Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
When someone dies, it is very difficult to cope with the feelings. Grief is a strong emotion that includes many feelings like sadness, loneliness, and even anger. When a person commits suicide, however, those feelings of grief are compounded by the feelings of abandonment, guilt, and the endless question of why. Was there something that could have been done to stop the suicide? If the person loved me, how could they leave me?
The fact that your mother burdened you with not only leaving you but telling you about it before she committed suicide leaves you to cope with overwhelming emotions. When people kill themselves, it is to end their pain and they are not thinking of others when they choose to do it. The result is that they leave others behind to cope and try to carry on.
It may help you to talk out your feelings about the suicide to your mother. You can do this by either placing her, in your mind, in a chair across from you and talking to her, or writing her a letter. Do not hold back and allow yourself to express all that you feel about what happened and what she did. Although doing this in therapy is the best option, you can do this yourself as well. By not holding back, you can allow any of the emotions and hurt you continue to have out in the open to be recognized and dealt with.
You mentioned attending therapy. Did it help? If not, you may want to try again. You can find another therapist through a referral, increasing your chances of finding someone you feel comfortable with. Talk with your doctor, pastor or try on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.
You can also join a support group. Try this link to find a group in your area- http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/resource_links.shtml
There are also resources you can use to help you. Here are some to get you started:
Rocky Roads: The Journeys of Families through Suicide Grief by ***** *****nn-Gust and Ph.D.
No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One by Carla Fine
Why People Die by Suicide by Thomas E. Joiner
Finding Your Way after the Suicide of Someone You Love by David B. Biebel and Suzanne L. Foster
You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.
Although your mother's suicide may leave you feeling hurt and wondering why, you can cope with the pain by gaining support through therapy, church, friends and support groups. Educating yourself through books and other resources can help you learn that your feelings are normal and that you can move on and live your life.
I hope this has helped you,