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Kristin
Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 454
Experience:  Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
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My husband e-mailed his ex. He was with her for 10 years -

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My husband e-mailed his ex. He was with her for 10 years - Age 15 - 25. He wanted to marry her, she declined and they split. He was devasted. I saw 2 e-mails that he wrote to her in the last couple months. One - he avoided the question of whether he was married and ended with IMY (I miss you) the other was 1 month later with just Subject.IMY. Nothing else. I'm hurt. Is this Cheating? I confronted him and he said it was "nothing, just remembering old times.". Our relationship has been strained - due to finances/probls with children. We've been together 21 years. I can't stop crying. She lives on other side of country.

Hello and thank you for your question,

 

Yes you have every reason to not be comfortable with his communications with his ex. He is not just being friendly or catching up. He is being flirty/intimate and also hiding important facts from her, such as he is married! He is also dismissing your concerns and minimizing the impact that his behavior is having on you and your ability to trust him.

 

The fact that he said you ruined the relationship between his co-worker is an odd way of looking at the situation. He could have shown more concern for your feelings rather than focusing on what it did to "their" relationship. Since he won't go to counseling, all you can do is set a firm boundary with him and not just let him off the hook. Tell him that you do not want him to contact women (in this manner) anymore. That his wording and manner is not appropriate for a married man, and telling her IMY is more than just remembering old times. That even if he doesn't see it that way, that you do, and it affects your trust in him and that you deserve more respect than that. That you would not behave this way in regards XXXXX XXXXX men and that If he continues, then let him know that you will be considering whether you want to stay in the marriage. Then go ahead and make an appt. with a therapist and let him know it's scheduled and he needs to show up.

Don't allow him to not feel any consequences for this breach of trust with you... Please click ACCEPT button for this answer. And feel free to continue the discussion even after clicking accept. Thank you.

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