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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5823
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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If you have been sexually abused, hit, never seen anything

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If you have been sexually abused, hit, never seen anything good from it etc with men around alcohol and I hate alcohol and can't stand it, it makes me sick everytime i see someone with it.. Will that go away or is that from the experiences I've had with the men and alcohol and thats the remaining scar?

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

Your adversion to alcohol and the people who use is understandable if you have been exposed to abuse and mistreatment as a result. Alcohol doesn't necessarily cause people to abuse someone, it is the combination of the person, who they are and their experiences, and the alcohol all in combination. There are many people who use alcohol and don't hurt anyone directly (they do indirectly because of the selfish nature of alcohol use). But there are many who cannot use alcohol without hurting someone as well.

It sounds like you have been hurt terribly by the people in your life. It is unlikely that you will ever like alcohol because of it, but also because you associate alcohol use with hurt and pain (called a learned behavior). But keep in mind it is also the type of men using the alcohol that is also causing your pain.

Have you been able to talk to anyone about how you feel? There is a lot of help available for someone who not only has been abused, but has had family or partners that use. First, consider educating yourself on abuse and the causes. It will help you heal from what you have been through. Here are some resources to help:

Abused No More: Recovery for Women in Abusive And/or Co-Dependent Alcoholic Relationships by Robert J. Ackerman and Susan E. Pickering

Before It's Too Late: Helping Women in Controlling or Abusive Relationships by Robert J. Ackerman

You can find the books on or your local library may have them for you.

Also, consider therapy. Having someone to talk to to work out your feelings is very important. It can help you feel less upset at the thought of alcohol and the abuse you suffered. It can also help you change your perspective on relationships with men and help you make different choices so you can have the healthy relationship you want. Here is a link to help you find a good therapist:

I hope this helps,


Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Ok, just another question.. I am a pretty tough person I don't really have problems with anything but nightmares here and there.
But when it comes to men like my boyfriend now.. he drinks here and there, but when I am around it.. it is the most UNEASY FEELING, it makes me sick, I can't get a good feeling... So with all that, I just was curious cause its been like that so long, I don't think it will go away, but I am also trying to get some advice for my boyfriend to understand the issues of something with a history with alcohol, and abuse...?
I just want him and me to have a little advice, like he doesn't understand that really I don't think its very bad to have that as a scar from my past.. I guess I just need a few words of wisdom?

If you try to describe it to your boyfriend as a trauma, he might understand. Much like someone who has been at war and heard bombs go off and now they jump when they hear a car backfire or hear firecrackers go off. You have been traumatized the same way by people who have used alcohol. Alcohol has become a trigger for you, so when your boyfriend drinks, it reminds you of the trauma you went through. You may even have a touch of PTSD- Post traumatic stress disorder. This is curable through therapy but it takes some time to work through the trauma.

You can also have your boyfriend attend therapy with you and the therapist can help him understand why you feel the way you do. The therapist can also suggest ways for your boyfriend to support you and work with you until you feel more comfortable about his use. Having your boyfriend support you will also help you recover quicker because you will see that his use does not mean the same as when someone used in your past.


Customer: replied 6 years ago.
My boyfriend said he would never drink to be with me, cause its not important to him.. He would rather spend his life with me, but it is pretty bad even going to a bar. I am really jumpy, very alert, aware of my surroundings. Most the time people who have had one thing happen is bad enough but with numerous things that have happened.. Do you think that is a fair thing to ask of him to not use alcohol in the relationship? I really appreciate your help on this so much!!!

I am glad to be of help!

It is fair to ask him to stop using, especially if he has offered, but eventually you need to deal with how you feel. It is going to be hard for you to spend the rest of your life with this feeling. Although I am sure your boyfriend cares enough about you to stop using, others around you may not understand as well as he does.


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