My hubby told me two months ago that he is having an affair…

Question

My hubby told me two months ago that he is having an affair and wants out of the
marriage. He is now having second thoughts about the divorce ONLY due to
finances. He refuses to give up his affair. He basically is staying with me for
"the sake of the house". Neither one of could afford this house on our own, I am
so scared for my financial future, I work but there have been layoffs. If my
credit gets messed up, it could affect my future chances for employment. I am
feeling very anxious and depressed, tho I am still able to function. I feel like
I am trapped in an "open" marriage that I don't. Hubby says he is still attached
to me, but just not "in love" with me. His behavior towards me goes from hot to
cold, one miniute he'll be sweet, another he will be cold and cruel. I am at a
total loss for what to do. I am in the process of seeking counseling from an EAP
plan at work.

Ask Eleanor · Accepted Answer

Ask Eleanor :

Hello, I am here for you and am very sorry to hear about your situation. Please
tell me a bit more about the counseling you have tried and how you have tried to
reconnect with your husband. How long have you been married?

Customer:

I have been married almost 24 years. My husband and I have been going to Yoga on
Sundays, and have actually had some nice conversations with each other, have
bought each other some gifts. We have also had some painful conversations and he
has said some downright ugly things to me. The first counselor we went to was
throught Employee Assistance Plan at his work, she was not specifically a
marriage counselor, and tho she seemed well intentioned, I almost felt like she
was affirming my husband decision. We have since been to a very expensive
"marriage friendly therapist" but my husband is still unwilling to give up his
co-worker, so I am not going to spend any more money on this, because even the
best therapist can't force my hubby to break off the affair when he is bound and
determined to continue.

Ask Eleanor :

Thank you for answering my questions. You are absolutely correct, successful
marriage counseling/therapy cannot happen with 3 people in the relationship! The
problem you encountered with your husband's EAP is not uncommon. While EAP
counseling can be helpful and cost nothing, there are drawbacks. It is usually
time limited, not in-depth and not always confidential. Have you thought about
finding a therapist for yourself outside of your work?

Customer:

What do you mean the EAP is not always confidential ? Can my EAP counselor
legally disclose to my employer what we discuss in counseling, or do you just
mean that my employer will know that I am in some type of counseling ?

Ask Eleanor :

Certainly the latter and on the former, not legally. But I do know of clients
who felt their confidentiality was not totally honored by EAP counselors.

Customer:

Oh dear, well, I am going to be in a financial bind if we split up (which is
inevetible since my hubby continues to carry on with his co-worker) Counseling
is very expensive, I already feel like I've spent to much on marriage counseling
that didn't do any good.

Customer:

What are some low cost options for me outside of my EAP. How have EAP counselors
not honored confidentiality ?

Ask Eleanor :

I going to give you some resources.

Customer:

Thanks.

Customer:

Also, could you explain about how the EAP counselors have not honored
confidentiality ? Since we have already been through one through my hubby's
work.

Ask Eleanor :

The main reason I would recommend therapy/counseling outside your EAP is that
with the issue you are dealing with, you need ongoing therapy which EAP's do not
offer.

Customer:

I think we get 12 sessions, you think I'll need more that that ?

Ask Eleanor :

Are they weekly sessions? Are they inhouse? Do you know the qualifications of
the therapist you would see under your EAP?

Customer:

One was a PHD pscycologist, but he didn't do individual, and at this point
marriage counseling "for 3" is a moot point. The other was a clinical social
worker, but I all I got was here answering machine, and I have not heard back
from her. The phone counselor I talked to is going to call me on Monday with
someone I can see right away.

Customer:

I don't know if they are weekly, but they are not in house, they are at the
counselors office.

Ask Eleanor :

Okay, well the fact that they are not inhouse makes the confidentiality much
safer. I am going to finish my response now.

Customer:

Another question, is our chat going to appear in the just answer forum ? Even
tho my name isn't being used, I don't want it to.

Ask Eleanor :

What your husband is doing is extremely emotionally abusive to you and when it
gets right down to it, if you stay with him under the present circumstances, you
are chosing to be married to a house. Of course, the decision to stay, or
divorce, is yours or his. Whatever the case, you will need ongoing, weekly
psychotherapy to help you through this extremely stressful situation. Certainly
start with your EAP therapist. If it is a good fit for you, maybe she/he will
continue on with you beyond the 12 sessions. (Only you can access this Q&A after
you accept)........ continuing......

Customer:

Yes, he is exhibiting mental cruelty to me, and he acts like I am the one who
has done something wrong (although he does have moments when he admits he is
being very selfish)

Customer:

Are you still there ?

Ask Eleanor :

If you do not find your EAP therapist satisfactory or if you cannot continue on
with him/her after the 12 weeks, call the United Way Helpline (#211)and ask for
the phone #s of private, non-profit counseling centers in your community. These
centers offer excellent, confidential counseling/therapy and charge a sliding
scale fee base upon income. Also you may search the following websites for
therapists www.americanpsychotherapy.com [http://www.americanpsychotherapy.com]
and www.TherapistLocator.net [http://www.TherapistLocator.net] for additional
therapists where you live. Many therapists will work with clients at an
affordable fee, you just have to ask. Do you have any further questions, dear?

Customer:

Well, yes I do, but it would take me all day, so I'll just leave it as is for
now. Thanks for the resources.

Customer:

Oh, yes, do you have a complete phone # for United Way Helpline ? #211 sounds
like an extension.

Ask Eleanor :

You are so very welcome. Remember the most important factor in finding a
therapist is that it be a good fit for you, that you feel comfortable with the
therapist. Please remember to click on the green accept button so that I will
receive credit for my time with your. You may return to this Q& A for reference
at any time after you accept. United Way hotline is #211, like #411. I wish you
all the best, ***** ***** Eleanor

My hubby told me two months ago that he is having an affair…

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