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Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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I am 57 years old and desperately in need of some guidance.

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I am 57 years old and desperately in need of some guidance. I divorced him about 5 years ago after my husband of seven years had an affair and I found out (after the fact). The divorce devistated me as I loved my husband, John, so much. Two years ago, I began dating an old friend, Bud, and we have been dating exclusively since then. We have had many rocky times, but we are now at the point where we both know we could spend the rest of our lives together. About two months ago, I began seeing John, casually, but now it is more. Both men want and deserve exclusivity and I don't know how to choose. They are so different and so is my love for them. Help?

You are certainly in a hard place.

Something to remember is that you were married to John once and you divorced for a reason. Another thing to keep in mind is that our brain can often be very selective in the things it remembers from the past. In other words, our brain might conveniently "forget" the pain, suffering, anger, frustration, betrayal we faced in a relationship and only remember the good parts. For this reason I'd encourage you to try and go back and remember the difficulties/challenges/negatives you experienced in our marriage with John. This will help to balance your perspective.

Also, when you think about becoming exclusive with John let's say, is the sadness you feel about ending things with Bud more than the sadness you feel when you think about becoming exclusive with Bud and ending it with John? Whichever thought causes you more pain might be your gut's answer to who your heart wants to be with.

I hope that was helpful.

Please let me know if you have questions/thoughts.

Kind Regards,

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