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I've been struggling for a time now about a few things. I am

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I've been struggling for a...
I've been struggling for a long time now about a few things. I am only 21 but my confidence has taken a big blow and there is little of it left. I get so upset about the way I look sometimes to the point where I'll cry or not go out of the house.
Also I have cheated on my boyfriend a few times. I have told him about the first time but i have recently after a fight with my boyfriend me and his younger brother kissed. I know I am a horrible person for doing this, but I know I can never tell my boyfriend as it will not only end up but break the relationship with his brother and family. We have had a lot of problems and he has never cheated on me but lied to me a lot. We have decided to wipe the slate clean, I just need someone to tell me that I'm not an evil person for what happened with his brother?
Two years ago i lost my friend suddenly to an illness and just this year again I lost another good friend to cancer, I've never really been able to talk about this to anyone either.
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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5/3/2011
Mental Health Professional: Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist replied 6 years ago
Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience: Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
Verified
Hello there,

Thank you for writing in to Just Answer.

I'm sorry to hear about the experiences you've been through.

Your decreased self-confidence could be at the heart of many of your problems. Including your dissatisfaction with how you look.

You are definitely not a bad or evil person for cheating on your boyfriend or kissing his brother when you had a fight with your bf. People are never bad, the behaviors that they often engage in are unsustainable ones. In this case, you likely already know that if you continue to cheat on your boyfriend he will find out one day and your relationship might end at that time. People cheat for many reasons. Sometimes it is an escape from the fighting and negativity of the relationship. Other times it is a way to feel good about yourself (that other people other than your bf like you enough to want you). So there could be many reasons.

I think what will be most helpful is working with a therapist to uncover all the issues that you are currently struggling with (low self-esteem, body-image issues, relationship problems, discomfort in meeting with people & bereavement issues among others). A therapist can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to talk about your problems and help you find solutions to steer your life in a positive direction. If you'd like to take a look at the therapists available in your zip code you can check out this directory.

I know you mentioned that meeting people face to face is hard for you. If that is the case you can consider talking to online therapists by searching for online therapy on the internet. But face to face therapy would be recommended in your case.

I hope that was helpful.

Please do let me know if you have additional questions/thoughts.

Kind Regards,

Arundhati
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Thank you for your reply,
Am I doing the right thing by not telling my boyfriend about kissing his brother? I have been honest with him about the other time but not now. We've both said that we are wiping the slate clean and this is the last time we give out relationship a go so should I try and move on? I beat myself up about how horrible i've been everyday.
I've wanted to go see a doctor or someone to talk about how self conscious i feel but everytime I can't bring myself to do it. I get so anxious when I go out in public, I panic about the way I look and put on make up several times a day. Is this just a minor issue or do I need more help?
I've just been angry that my friends were taken away as both came suddenly and they both were outstanding people, people who were going to help others and do good. I can't bring myself to talk about them though.
Mental Health Professional: Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist replied 6 years ago
Hello there,

I think whether or not you want to tell your bf really depends on you. Since it involves his brother it is possible that at some point his brother might tell him at which point he will feel betrayed that you weren't the first one to tell him. On the other hand if you do tell him it might cause a rift between him and his brother and also impact his relationship with you. There are pros and cons to either action and you will need to decide what you want to do. There are cases where people realize their mistake and promise to themselves to never repeat their action and simply let the matter go and move on.

I do this a few sessions with a therapist will be good for you. Especially since the issues you are currently dealing with respond very well to talk therapy and by learning tools and techniques from a therapist you will be able to deal differently and more effectively with these same situations.

I completely understand your frustration and sadness at the death of your two close friends. Bereavement related issues can lead to many psychological symptoms and need to be processed in therapy so that you can grieve in a constructive way without letting the incidents impact your life negatively.

Please click on Accept if this was helpful as experts are not credited for their time or service otherwise. Please feel free to continue the conversation even after clicking on Accept.

Kind Regards,

Arundhati
Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience: Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
Verified
Arundhati and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I understand I have a choice but would it make me a bad person if i chose not to tell my boyfriend. I know that i wouldn't cheat on him again and that he is the one i want to be with, it just seems that when i feel really down about myself or if we have a fight i drink and these things happen. But this is why i have come to you for help, I really want to stop this happening so would i be judged for not telling him. His brother has said he wouldn't say anything as he has a girlfriend as well and he knows what it would do to his older brother.
Mental Health Professional: Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist replied 6 years ago
Hello,

Thank you for clicking on Accept!

In my opinion it does not make you a bad person if you don't tell your boyfriend about the kiss. The important thing here is that you are aware that your action wasn't the right one and you've decided to ensure that this does not happen again. Like I said, people are never bad, it is the actions that we engage in that are good or bad. In this case you are aware of that action and willing to make changes and that is what counts.

If you choose the path of not telling him I would encourage you to completely let it go from your mind so that you do not continue to blame yourself or feel guilty over it. Simply tell yourself that you engaged in a wrong behavior and will not repeat it and that you will not think about it again and move on.
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Arundhati
Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
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Experience: Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author

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