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Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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It's been 6 years since my husband had an affair with

Resolved Question:

It's been 6 years since my husband had an affair with Jennifer Manley. It occurred just 6 weeks after Jennifer married her high school sweetheart Mark at SSG training for the FBI. Not only did I help my husband get a job with my Agency, I also discovered that this girl had been an intern in my office. I found out about the affair a few weeks after it began and "they" were both determined to continue their ongoing relationship. My once happy marriage crumbled and it destroyed my kids. We have tried to make things work and have seen different therapists, it has helped some. Even though we still live together for the kids sake, I have not referred to him as my husband since and every day is a struggle. I still love him, but nothing's the same. Where do I go from here?

Lost and Destroyed, Carol Ann

Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Arundhati replied 6 years ago.

Thank you for writing in to Just Answer.

I'm very sorry to hear about your experience.

It sounds like in spite of trying hard and doing many things (praying, counseling, support groups etc.) you have been unable to get past the hurt of your husband's affair with Jennifer.

You mentioned that you've continued in the marriage for the kid's sake. I guess at this point the important questions to ask yourself is:

1) Do you think you will be able to let go of the past and continue in this marriage?

2) If your answer to the above question is "No" then the next question is "Do you want to continue in this marriage in spite of the fact that you cannot let go of what happened?"

I think the above questions will give you the answers to decide upon your next steps.

What are your thoughts?

Kind Regards,

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
My thoughts are all over the place. I wanted a re-commitment from him, but he avoids going to the alter. Afraid of God, making promises he won't keep (?). I don't know. He says he loves me and wants to stay together while at the same time thinks that I should just forget about what happened. That's not something one just forgets about and moves on from. Why is it so wrong to want him to prove to me that I really am that important to him? That I am the only one ?
Expert:  Arundhati replied 6 years ago.

Thank you for the additional information.

Your feelings are very valid. It seems that he fails to provide you with the reassurance that this will not happen again and that will no doubt create distrust and hurt in your heart.

I think it is fair for you to talk to him about what you need in order to let go and forgive him for his actions in the past. If he will not go to the altar for this, is there anything else that he can do that would reassure you. You need to tell him that without a definitive act on his part that reassures you and renews your faith in this relationship you cannot continue.

If you feel it would help you to have a third neutral person in the room to mediate this then you could consider couple's therapy to broach this topic with your husband.

I hope this was helpful. Please click on Accept if it was helpful. And feel free to continue the conversation even after you click on Accept.

Kind Regards,

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