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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5334
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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I dont have any sex drive.. I would like to have some for

Customer Question

I dont have any sex drive..
I would like to have some for sure..
my husband is getting frustrated
I need help
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 6 years ago.

Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.

First, let me say I am very concerned that the two of you are not recognizing that women who are breastfeeding often don't feel a return of their libido that strongly or quickly. So that is something the two of you need to be on the same page about. This is not that he has lost his ability to attract you, it's that you have hormonal things happening that are meant to reduce your libido. You can also talk to your OBGYN about some treatments you might be able to use while breastfeeding.

The answer I am going to give you,though, is about what you two can do on your own. I want you to print out my answer and both of you read it together and discuss it and use it as a way to help the situation together.

You must reorient your thinking about sex. You have been thinking in this way: no libido, therefore sex is useless and not worth a try. This is not even true for men, and is certainly not true for women. The majority of women can't achieve orgasm through intercourse at any given time anyways. And while breastfeeding, you have no interest in the fantasy zone. And sex in humans is almost ALL in the fantasy zone. So I need you to reorient to this: sex is about GIVING pleasure; sex is also about RECEIVING pleasure, not orgasms. This is how I work successfully with couples in my office. Getting them to reorient themselves. It seems that you may be focused on the traditional model of sex where both of you are heavy breathing and achieving orgasm. This may need to loosen up. Right now if your pleasure is having him stroke your back and that's the height of your pleasure, okay. Good enough. If he then is aroused, give him pleasure. That's not a bad thing. You can even be creative in giving him pleasure. You are even allowed to enjoy giving someone you love pleasure! If you then want your back rubbed some more, why not ask? If you like to have your private parts touched without having to feel more than just the touch, that's also good enough. You can just say what you would like! I want you and your husband to put more emphasis on foreplay. Creative foreplay. I want you to touch and manipulate his penis and body more and focus on enjoying his increasing pleasure and become sensitive to small increases in pleasure and enjoying becoming better at it. If you two like oral sex, that's great here as well. The idea is to enjoy GIVING pleasure. But it can't be only one way. You have to give him the opportunity to give you pleasure. You don't have to come INTO the sex situation already desirous and wanting sex. But you can come in with a relaxed attitude ready to feel pleasure. Just because it may not be orgasmic, does not mean that being touched is NOT pleasurable. And you may need to guide him on how to touch other parts of your body as well to help you relax and get ready for pleasure. Again, I'm not talking about you having to fake an orgasm. I recommend you allowing yourself to feel pleasure. PLEASURE. It doesn't have to be more than that. Yes, it will take some training on your part to let yourself relax enough to just feel pleasure in being touched. During intercourse, you may not enjoy that so much for yourself but you can find ways to enjoy GIVING pleasure.

Because remember: sex for humans is mostly in the imagination. And if your husband feels you aren't turned on by him, he's feeling less worthy of a man. And so a basic misunderstanding is happening here. So, this reorienting to pleasure, giving and receiving, will help in the fantasy zone and in the feeling worthy as sexual partners.

I really don't want to recommend any professional help for the two of you. Because I just don't think you need it while you're breastfeeding. I think the two of you need to get emotionally closer as best friends and understand what's happening here: that he's still YOUR hunk and that you turn him on. Now go about giving each other pleasure in a way you each can handle it.

I wish you both the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, ***** *****

Dr. Mark and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

thank you Dr. Mark

the thing is.. I always had a lack of desire.. also with my previous partners..

yes I love when he stroke my back, my thighs..

I can even have pleasure myself when I give him pleasure.. (oral sex)

the problem is that he got tired of being the one "begging" for it

so now he's waiting for me..

when I know its been a while.. a week or more.. and I hear comments..

I push myself into it..

and its ok.. but how nicer could it be if I really had some real desire..

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 6 years ago.
Again, you need to reprogram this dynamic you have with yourself. What do I mean?

You are waiting for real desire. That means something VERY specific to you. It means to you that you are already tingling in your vagina, that you can feel yourself starting to breathe a little more excitedly, that you are having some fantasies, that your breasts are heaving. You have a very romance novel fantasy of what real desire is. Yes, I know I painted a caricature, but I hope you see what I mean:

Your definition of real desire is that you have sexual desire to have intercourse. But that is not written in stone. That is a construct you are forcing on the marriage. You can just as much allow yourself, give yourself permission, to have real desire to give him pleasure. That is allowed. So, why wait until he is begging?

Why not pick up on the subtler messages and use them as the impetus to fire up the engine of pleasure I discussed above?

So, the point is: "real desire" is a reality you choose. I work with one man who is learning to give his wife sexual pleasure even though he lost his sex drive very much after some surgeries. And he's learning that he can enjoy this and feel like a man. Revolutionary? Well, yes, if we are limited to what the popular magazines promote. So I worked with him on throwing away the magazine image of sex. And I urge you to do the same. Instead, enjoy, love, give pleasure, receive pleasure.

I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, ***** *****
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

thank you for your answer Dr. Mark..

the problem is that the desire of giving him pleasure is not coming..

it would come.. after a month maybe..

I do have the desire to be stroke in the back once in a while.. I love to feel his hands stroking my body.. I do love when he surprise me with a hug from behind.. when I'm doing the dishes for example.. things like that..

I do have the desire of giving him pleasure once in a while.. Iike a massage

or even oral sex.. but he would be frustrated before it comes..

I think my problem is hormonal.. because I did have a little bit of libido when I was pregnant.. but again it was like no more then once a week or so.. but at least the desire was there..

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 6 years ago.
I want you to rethink the word "desire". What do I mean?

If you saw that your husband had been working really hard for 3 days non-stop because of some pressing project and hadn't had a chance to eat more than 1 meal in that whole time you would want to make him a meal without question. Right?

It's not that you had a "desire" to cook. That you really found the eggs and the toast, etc. to be very enticing to you to see them cooking, etc. You yourself were not necessarily hungry, so you didn't have a "desire" for the eggs. But you WANTED to cook them and make the toast because you love him and you know he's hungry. That desire was enough even though you didn't have "desire" for eggs.

Well, that's what I'm trying to communicate here: that desire to give him the sexual relief he needs. That you may get pleasure is great but, as in the eggs, it is a pleasure that's pretty much guaranteed because you are doing something you want to do. You're helping him get the relief he needs physically and emotionally and psychologically.

That's the definition of desire I'm working on here. And then enjoy the pleasure he can give to you.

All the best to you, Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

thank you Dr. Mark

yes I totally get what you mean thats why I try to give him this sexual love once a week..

its just sad and hard on both of us.. for me because.. I am craving this desire.. I would like to offer it to him.. and for him because he would love to feel his wife desire for him..

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 6 years ago.
I understand. But it is a vicious circle. The more you crave the desire, the harder it will be to actually let it come into your life. It's like wanting a parent's love: the more a child tries to get it, the harder it is to feel the parent's love. Because parents rarely can give the love in such an overwhelming massive dose all at once.

The same here: the more we want to FEEL something inside, the harder it is to actually feel it because we will only register that we are feeling it if it is huge and overwhelming. And it rarely is. So the more you relax and just let it come into your awareness when it wants and how it wants, the more chance you will have of actually recognizing it. Because it will be subtle at first.

All the best to both of you! Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

maybe I didn't choose my words properly here..

yes I am craving in a way to desire because I want my man to be happy..

but I don't stress about it..

I do recognise the desire in me of making my husband happy, of giving him pleasure..

but the sex drive.. not so much..

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 6 years ago.
Okay. But as long as you aren't feeling resentful about sex, then follow the program above. If there IS some inner resentment about sex, then you might have to explore that within yourself.

All the best, ***** *****
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I think there is none.. my only resentment is that I don't feel like having sex..

its like if I could live without it.. but when I'm into it.. I'm somewhat comfortable and open..

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 6 years ago.
Okay, then just act on wanting your man to be happy twice as often and he'll be twice as happy. It's really that simple.

All the best, ***** *****