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AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience:  Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
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I have reason to believe that my boyfriend has cheated on me

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I have reason to believe that my boyfriend has cheated on me (at least i know that he is lying about something and his story does not seem right.) On the easter weekend he said that he was visiting his father. I could not reach him so called his fathers home ph number- he was not there. I went to his home to c if he was there. No sign - so i looked in his room. I found a love not writen on the outside of an envelop from another women that i have not heard of. he admitted to meeting this girl (who helped him with his adoption). However he has been interstate (same state she lives in 2 times). He denys being with her- but apart from his word has provided no other evidence. In the past few days my feelings had disappeared and i can not sleep. I feel lost and like i am not really here. I have always depended on my emotions.I am trying to work through it- but i can sleep because there are details that do not add up in his account of events
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 6 years ago.
AgapeDoc :

Thanks for reaching out to me here at Just Answer. Let's see if I can answer your question.

AgapeDoc :

I have read through your post a couple of times. You must be feeling terrible and I'd like to provide some insight if I'm able. Is there a specific question I can answer for you?

Customer:

i dont know where my feelings have gone? explain pls

Customer:

I feel numb

AgapeDoc :

Well.... I would say that you are experiencing an emotional shock. Just like when someone is in a car accident, their feelings and emotions are numbed which enables them to "deal with" what they have just experienced.

AgapeDoc :

This is a defense mechanism that allows you to continue to function somewhat normally and carry on your day to day activities.

Customer:

but i cant - i feel like im not a full person- i need to feel- to cry- to be angry

AgapeDoc :

If you weren't "numb" as you say you may be in tears, or in a heightened state of emotion in which you'd be screaming, etc.

AgapeDoc :

It's actually a good thing in a sense, but it can be frustrating as you are pointing out.

AgapeDoc :

Don't worry at this point. It's a normal reaction. Your feelings will return when you are ready - although it may surprise you when it happens. You may find yourself crying or screaming in anger, but it will come and then it will come in waves.

Customer:

Is this part of being in denial about it- i am torn between wanting to believe he is true and convincing myself he is true

AgapeDoc :

Having said that, if this numbness continues for more than two weeks, it would be a good idea to see a therapist. It's nothing to overly alarmed about, but you will want to be proactive and after a couple of weeks, it may be good to get a professional to guide your through it. You have lost trust and it's one of the toughest things to deal with.

AgapeDoc :

What you have said about denial is right on point. It is a part of what you are dealing with - part of the defense mechanism. Again, think of someone who has just seen a terrible accident - they go into shock and part of the brain is telling them it didn't really happen.

AgapeDoc :

You will want to share this conversation with your boyfriend - if he loves you he will help you get through this even if he is "guilty" of cheating. And if he doesn't love you, you will want to move on - but insist on the truth in no uncertain terms.

Customer:

i have- but he keeps on chaning his story- my brain knows it is lies but i cant accept it. he has said that i invaded his privacy- he is blaming me also

Customer:

but he wants to work it out

AgapeDoc :

I'm afraid that we both know the truth here. That is to say that I don't have a crystal ball, but I have been working with couples and families for too long not to recognize what you are dealing with.

AgapeDoc :

If he wants to work it out, (and assuming you do to then you must tell him that you know that he made a mistake and he has hurt you beyond measure. However, you are willing to forgive him if he admits what he did and agrees to work together with you so that you can both support each other in a effort to make sure that he never does this again.

AgapeDoc :

If you are able to do this, it's going to hurt but you will get your emotions back.

Customer:

thank you

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