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Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 454
Experience:  Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
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How do you deal with a mother that seems to be wanting to

Customer Question

how do you deal with a mother that seems to be wanting to ruin your life,and i am not a teen i am 53 yrs old
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.

Has your mother always been like this towards you, or is this a change in her behavior?

What kinds of things is she doing or saying to you? And is she like this mainly towards you or is it towards everyone?

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
she has always been a mean and hateful person,now she is worse than ever,she has been going after everyone,the last 2 days she has called me the most vile names over something she thought i did even thou i told her i did not,and then she calls me and says i know you did not do this,but she would not say she was sorry,i really feel like i am losing my mind trying to deal with her,i have tried very hard to put the abuse from my childhood behind me,and i have a happy marriage and 3 grown children that are doing great,but this thing with my mother is causing me great distress,i feel that i have to fix this for everybody what do i do
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

Thank you for the additional info. It sounds like your mother may have always had some type of mental illness, perhaps like a personality disorder if she has always behaved in this manner. With this type of personality, you need to set firm boundaries and stick to them. It's not your job to fix this for her or for anyone by the way. How can you do that, when she has always been this way, and is accountable for her own behavior.

For example, when she calls you names and then does not apologize, you tell her "mother, when you call me hateful names like that, it is abusive to me. I will not put up with it, and if it happens again, I will not pick up the phone, when you call me back." Or I will not have contact with you, until you say you are sorry".. You can't tell her what to do, only tell her what you will do, if she behaves in a certain way. This way, you don't control her, only yourself. And she can suffer the consequence due to her own behavior. You tell her ahead of time so she can choose.

This is all you can do, other than no contact at all. Set boundaries, and follow through with the consequence. "Mother, you are calling me names so I am now hanging up the phone." And then hang up.

She will probably not agree to this, but she should talk to her doctor about counseling and/or medication for her mood or personality issues. If you are in the position of caretaker for her, then you can do what needs to be done, without engaging her personally or emotionally. It's almost the way someone would treat a very young child who is misbehaving. Tell her what the consequence will be for bad behavior and follow through with it. You need to take care of yourself and you don't have to put up with her abuse anymore. I would also suggest some counseling for yourself to deal with this abuse as it's been going on your entire life, from your mother, and has no doubt left it's scars. I'm glad to hear you have created a nice family for yourself.

Please click ACCEPT button for this answer. Feel free to continue the conversation even after clicking accept. Thank you.

Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

Did you have any more questions for me? If so, please feel free to ask.

Otherwise, please do click accept so I'm credited for my help today. thank you...

Kristin and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thank you for your response ,i have made sure from the time i had my first baby that they would not have to go thru what i went thru,and i know i have done that,i wish i could help my mother but i have always beleived she had some kind of mental illness,having you say what you did,i am going to help me and maybe things will be better for me because i know my kids are happy(even if they do think i can be alittle overprotective)and my husband doesnt think i am crazey yet(got to have some humour)unfourtinatly my mother has missed alot of good things in her life because she would attack everybody,the last two days have been so streesful,that i will no longer deal with this,she has to wake up and change this.
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

You are very welcome. Yes, everything you say here is insightful and valid. You are so wise to realize you can't save your mother, but you can treat your own children with kindness and love, and you have. The last two days sound like a nightmare for you, and this is also a wake up call to you, that enough is enough. I wish you all the best!

Thank you...

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thank you, ***** ***** made me feel like i am not the crazy person but the person that is being attacked,the most important people in my life my husband, my kids and ,my wonderful 2 yr old granddaugter,can look to many happy years together,i needed someone to tell me that thank you