Thank you for the additional info. It sounds like your mother may have always had some type of mental illness, perhaps like a personality disorder if she has always behaved in this manner. With this type of personality, you need to set firm boundaries and stick to them. It's not your job to fix this for her or for anyone by the way. How can you do that, when she has always been this way, and is accountable for her own behavior.
For example, when she calls you names and then does not apologize, you tell her "mother, when you call me hateful names like that, it is abusive to me. I will not put up with it, and if it happens again, I will not pick up the phone, when you call me back." Or I will not have contact with you, until you say you are sorry".. You can't tell her what to do, only tell her what you will do, if she behaves in a certain way. This way, you don't control her, only yourself. And she can suffer the consequence due to her own behavior. You tell her ahead of time so she can choose.
This is all you can do, other than no contact at all. Set boundaries, and follow through with the consequence. "Mother, you are calling me names so I am now hanging up the phone." And then hang up.
She will probably not agree to this, but she should talk to her doctor about counseling and/or medication for her mood or personality issues. If you are in the position of caretaker for her, then you can do what needs to be done, without engaging her personally or emotionally. It's almost the way someone would treat a very young child who is misbehaving. Tell her what the consequence will be for bad behavior and follow through with it. You need to take care of yourself and you don't have to put up with her abuse anymore. I would also suggest some counseling for yourself to deal with this abuse as it's been going on your entire life, from your mother, and has no doubt left it's scars. I'm glad to hear you have created a nice family for yourself.
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