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Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 454
Experience:  Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
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I've just started dating after 4 yrs of being alone. I

Resolved Question:

Hi....! I've just started dating after 4 yrs of being alone. I notice right away that the guy has faults I wouldnt want to live with. Do I simply know myself so well that I know we won't be a fit? Or am I simply being hypersenstive because I'm so afraid to fall in love - and get hurt - again? I really want my next relationship to work!! Thanks so much.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.

Well let me ask you a couple of questions. Can you give an example of what kinds of faults you notice right away in the potential mate? Also, with the guy that did click with you, did he give a good reason for breaking the date and also try to reschedule with you, or did he just not call again? When you say you've been on many dates, how many would you say you have been on in the last year or 6 months? thanks for the info...

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

The one guy I really clicked with was very apologetic, but then when we talked a few days later, we just couldn't get it right. I like to joke around and he'd take things too seriously. The conversations were then awkward. He said he's not sure what he wants in life yet, is younger than me, recovering from a major accident. In other words, we hit it off physcially, but not where he is in life. I don't want someone just starting out...One of the guys I've been going on dates with drinks - a LOT. Every date we go on is revolved around drinking, so forget him. The next guy has super long hair (mid-waist) and talks constantly about how the girls hit him up at gym. This would bother me a lot if I were to start caring.

I am still in daily contact w/my ex - as he works in my building - but he has a fiance. I know he still loves me, but I was not able to keep him happy as I was not "affectionate enough" for him. (I had a total hysterectomy 4 mos after moving in, so I lost my sex drive. He'd accuse of bait/switching on him.) He also has a horrid temper. Would I go back to him if he were free? He is equally as good as he is hard to live with, so I don't know. Just wondering how much that is complicating things. In other words, am I comparing all of the men to him?

Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

Okay thanks for the additional info. It doesn't sound like you are being too picky and from what you describe here that some of these guys did not appeal to you and had some major flaws. Remember that dating is typically many more nos, until you find a yes. And it's not like you have been on fifty dates in the last year and didn't like any of them. So, it sounds like you are not being unreasonable.

It does sound like you are still not completely over your ex and seeing him daily, no doubt, makes it more difficult to move on from him. As he is familiar to you, and you know him and are or were once attracted to him, it's easy to sort of mentally fall back on him, or compare with these other men. I do think however that if you met someone with whom you really clicked, that your ex would not be a factor. Sounds to me like you just haven't met that person. This is why many people say they don't like dating, because it can take some time and perseverance to find someone you actually like.

What is important is to not settle and to also continue dating with an open mind and open heart. It could be that rather than comparing everyone to your ex, it is more that seeing him keeps that hurt fresh for you, and therefore more hesitant with these new men. But again, not hitting it off with three guys or even ten guys is not an issue! Keep dating and try to avoid contact with your ex as much as possible. Please click ACCEPT button for this answer. Feel free to continue the conversation even after clicking accept. Thank you.

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