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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5838
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am recently married 35 year old man. Before I met my wife

Resolved Question:

I am recently married 35 year old man. Before I met my wife I would have to say my libido has been going down for about 6 years. I also find myself distant and anxious when it comes to being close and or physical contact. I would love to change this about myself but don't know where to start. Please help.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 6 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

Have you seen your doctor yet? It is always a good idea to be sure the issue is not physical before considering other solutions. There are a number of medical problems that can cause libido issues, so see your doctor as soon as you can.

If you are cleared medically, I highly recommend you see a therapist. Finding out the root cause of the issue is important so you can work on regaining your libido. Ask your doctor for a referral. Or you can also search on line at

It is common for stress, anxiety and other issues to interfere with a person's sexual desire. Age can also be a factor. Men's libidos decline as they age. Happiness and wellbeing, diet and alcohol use can also be causes. Even unconscious issues from your new marriage such as unresolved issues between you and your wife can cause you to feel anxious at the thought of being close physically.

While you wait to see your doctor and/or the therapist, you can work on this problem at home. Here are some resources to help you get started working on this issue:

Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys to Finding Your Lost Libido by Andrew Goldstein M.D. and Marianne Brandon Ph.D.

When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life by Sandra Pertot

Healthy Sex Drive, Healthy You: What Your Libido Reveals About Your Life by Dr. Diana Hoppe

You can find these books on or your local library may have them for you.

I hope this has helped you,

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I have been cleared physically by my PCP. I have a long standing battle with depression, anxiety and ADHD. Never been on medications. These have never interfered with the sexual component of a relationship until 5 or 6 years ago. I have been very opposed to meds (bad experience with Ritalin as a child). But I am questioning whether meds would help. Any thoughts? I drink very little and I am very physically fit (weight trainer and marathon running).
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 6 years ago.

You can try medications. But usually, medications are reserved for when you are having trouble coping with your symptoms. If you feel your anxiety or depression prevents you from living your life (for example, you can't go to work or leave your house), then by all means talk with your doctor about taking a mild anti anxiety or anti depression medication.

Therapy would be a better option for you. Although medication will help alleviate symptoms, it does not provide a solution to the original problem, which therapy can do. And self help works very well too. Here are some additional books that you can use to help your depression and anxiety:

The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, Fourth Edition by Edmund J. Bourne

The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness by ***** *****, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal and Jon Kabat-Zinn


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Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Any recommendation re: type of therapy? cog behavioral? psychoanalyst? behavioral modification? Or just someone who specializes in depression/anxiety?

Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 6 years ago.

Cognitive behavioral has shown to be very effective in treating anxiety. There is also a new therapy called Integrated therapy that combines cognitive with working on past issues to get to the root of your problem, but I'm not sure if enough therapists have had a chance to be trained yet for you to be able to find one easily.

Any therapist that is Master's level (M.Ed, MSW, LSW and MA) should be able to help you. The trick is finding a therapist you feel you can work with, which is why I recommend trying referrals first.


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