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My husband and I recently seperated after 19 years of

marriage, we have two children...
My husband and I recently seperated after 19 years of marriage, we have two children ages 12 and 8. I am concerned about my daughter she seems ok on the surface but she complains of stomach aches and she also gets diarreha and vomiting (she is under care ofher doctor at the moment) and tell me that if she doesn't think about then she won't get upset. They both see their Dad whenever they want and he does come see them everyday. My husband has cheated on me for years it all came to a head after many, many denials from him I just couldn't take the lies anymore so I asked him to leave. I really haven't dealt with my own
issues as my major concern is my children. What
advice can you give to me please? Thank you so
much.
I forgot to mention that my husband has cheated one with several women and is now or always was a swinger.
Maggie.
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Answered in 11 minutes by:
4/27/2011
Anna
Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,945
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
Verified
Anna :

Hello & Welcome to Just Answers.

Customer:

Hi Anna, thank you for taking my questions

Anna :

Hello...in your note you mention that you haven't dealt with your issues......anything I should know about?

Customer:

I meant about my husband cheating on me and the effect it has on me personally

Anna :

Ah...OK. I just wanted to be sure.

Customer:

ok

Anna :

So, I take it that your husband was a serial cheater?

Anna :

Have you ever had the concern that he suffers from sexual compulsivity?

Customer:

yes he was

Customer:

or is I should say

Customer:

no never

Anna :

You've never thought he had problems losing control with his sexual choices....it was a situation where he entered one relationship after another, and they were emotional and sexual interactions.

Anna :

?

Anna :

I ask because this would let me know the type and level of wounding you would have>

Customer:

I've had always had a feeling that he was cheating on me but he was able to hide it very well. He was always home at night this was always done during the day when he was working? he has his own business so he was able to come and go as he pleased

Anna :

Have you read any books from Patrick Carnes, or Claudia Black? They've written some great books about how this problem effects wives and family members, but also the steps to recover from the deep betrayal it brings.

Customer:

this only all came to light just after the new year when I was able to see his emails as he left the house in a hurry and forgot to turn off his computer and that was how I was able to get my proof. I saw all the naked pics of him with this one woman whom he now likebut denies he's in a relationship with he keeps telling me and my kids that he's not with anyone.

Anna :

I'm going to list a couple links for you so that you can begin your healing process. In situations like this, you have to take care of yourself and your wounds as well as the children's.

Customer:

No i haven't read any books at all pertaining to this matter I've just totally been looking out for my kids

Anna :

Otherwise, the children will "act out" the pains the parents don't yet know how to express.

Anna :

It sounds like you're doing good things for the kids.

Anna :

link

Customer:

i'm really trying but I don't want to have an all out brawl with their dad so I really put my best foot forward. We just went to DC and he really kept asking me if he could come and my daughter was having a hard time with it so I let him come along.

Anna :

link #2

Anna :

That has to be hard.

Anna :

I can tell you that you're going to have to develop some new boundaries with him, and he isn't going to like it. You can get held hostage by trying to be so nice to him 'for the kids'. You don't want to end up manipulated. Sometimes guys in his position want to spend time with the kids to make themselves feel better...it isn't so much about the kids. Other times they're just trying to help the transition.

Anna :

The books in link #2 will give you great guidelines on how to make your own new path and to heal from this betrayal. You will need to turn some of your energy to your own healing, or you'll get burned out with compassion fatigue.

Anna :

When you're stable and settled, your daughter won't have so much anxiety. It is absolutely normal for sensitive children to absorb the anxiety and pain of their parents....but they don't really know what is going on, so it turns into physical complaints.

Customer:

You mean the transition of him moving out or the kids adjusting?

Anna :

both are one and the same.

Customer:

Oh ok. How do I go about telling him that I want to have limits to him coming over without it turning into a scene as I already asked him not to come on Tuesdays he just came by today and I said to him why r you here he said he had stuff to pick up

Anna :

I think you'll need to speak with a lawyer for many reasons, but one of them is that he'll start to see you differently. He'll know that you're talking to a powerful person and that his interactions are no longer just between the two of you.....

Anna :

Then, as you'll read in the books, your personal confidence in your ability to set the boundaries of your home will grow, and he'll react to that. Harshly at first, manipulatively at times, but eventually he'll see that you don't intend on asking his permission to rule the boundaries of your life.

Anna :

He won't like any of this. He's clearly a man who has trouble with personal boundaries.

Customer:

Ok, thank you for your help and I will check out those links. Yes he does!!

Anna :

I imagine it will turn into a scene. You can have the children some where else when it happens, you can have someone with you when you expect him to show up uninvited.....these things are very hard to do at first, but get easier.

Anna :

OK. Take good care of yourself and those children! You deserve a full life.

Customer:

Thank you Anna. Have a good night

Anna
Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,945
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
Verified
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Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,945
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