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I have a two year old son with a former boyfriend. We are no

I have a two year...
I have a two year old son with a former boyfriend. We are no longer together as a couple but are still raising our son together. We both see each other almost on a daily basis and only live ten minutes away from one another. We are both fully commited to being fulltime parents to our son. Recently my son's father has started seeing someone. They have been seeing each other for a few months and she lives in another state. Neither my son or I have met her. His father has invited his new girlfriend to come to town and stay with him for a week. She arrived last night. I have heard him talk about this girl he is "dating" two times before but nothing serious until a few days ago (Tuesday of this week) when he casually told me she would be coming to town and staying with him. His parents who are in town visiting and want to spend time with their grandchild will be meeting his new girlfriend. Learning of the seriousiness of his new girlfriend totally caught me off guard and I became f
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Answered in 10 minutes by:
4/22/2011
TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,899
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

I need to ask you for more information so I can give you the best answer possible.

Part of your question was cut off so I did not get an idea of what your question is. Can you tell me what you want help with?

Thank you,

Kate

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Am I being unreasonable for being frustrated about this situation and not allowing my son to stay at his father while his new girlfriend is in town staying with him?

Thank you for the information. It helps.

It's ok to have those feelings. It is natural to not want to move on from the comfortable and mutually satisfying relationship you had with your ex and your son. You became a family unit of sorts and to have someone you do not know intrude upon that can make you feel frustrated and upset.

You need time to adjust. This is the final step in letting go of the previous relationship you had with your ex. It's the hardest part, realizing that you need to move on. Part of your breakup was the idea that either of you could move on at any time with another partner. Having your son exposed to that is part of the break up as well, as hard as that is.

What you can do is talk with your ex, if you have that kind of relationship (it sounds like you might). Tell him that although you appreciate his need to move on, you are concerned with how it will affect your son. Make the focus on your son so you do not communicate your unhappiness with the situation. Your ex needs to know you are not upset about his new relationship, but instead about how your son will perceive this new person.

Set some ground rules with your ex. Since this is just a new girlfriend, she should not have any say so in your son's life. She cannot discipline him or direct him in any way, except in cases of safety issues (like he is about to touch something dangerous). Make it clear what your son is to call this person (by her first name with a miss or ms in front of it keeps it formal yet friendly). If the relationship should become more serious, then you can set new rules to deal with this.

Make sure you talk with your son during the time he is there, if he can talk on the phone. That way, you have a chance to make the connection with him and it will help you to know he is ok.

If you feel you are having too much trouble dealing with the situation after a few months, seek out a therapist to talk to. A therapist can help you work out your feelings and find ways to cope better. You can find a therapist through your doctor or if you attend church, speak with your pastor. If you want, you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

Here is a book that can help you as well:

Sharing the Children: How to Resolve Custody Problems and Get on with Your Life by Robert E. Adler

You can find this book on Amazon.com or your local library may have it for you.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

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I haven't heard from you. Did you have more questions or want clarification?

Kate

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

I did have another question...This does help and I do realize now I need help dealing with this emotionally. I feel like I am being rushed to deal with this by my son's father because I am suppose to meet his new girlfriend today and I have all these thoughts and feels inside. I have asked him for the introduction to be in a netural location and not at either of our homes and without his parents there. After our discussion he has been more understanding but I feel like I have had to deal with all of these emotions and feelings in such a short period of time. (four days) I am sure it is not his intentions to put pressure on me but I get the feeling that I need to meet her so he can have his son stay with them because his girlfriend has no other place to stay. I feel like I have been painted into a corner and my hesitation for my son to stay with them while she is intown will hurt the feelings of my son's grandparents because they are staying there too. I am so worried about my son but I also feel that this will set a standard for us. I would not have my boyfriend stay with my son and I because I wouldn't want him to get attached. Is it wrong for me to ask the same his father to do the same?

It may feel rushed and that is understandable. It's hard to adjust to such a new situation. But your son will be ok. As long as you and your ex put your son first, then he will come out of this just fine. Children are very resilient and he will come to understand how to deal with this. Plus, you will always be his mother and your ex his father. Nothing can change that.

It is ok for you to ask that your son not stay too long with your ex. A day or two would be ok. Let your ex know that you need to work up to this before you feel ok allowing your son to be there longer. Reassure your ex it's just an adjustment and that you are working on it. You are your son's mother and you are allowed to feel protective. This girlfriend is a stranger here, and it's your natural instinct to want to make sure your son is ok. It's the balance with accepting the situation and keeping some control that is difficult. But with practice, you will find a good medium.

Kate

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Thank you Kate. That helps alot and I do feel better. Thank you for the advise and I will follow it.

You're welcome! I am glad I could help.

Kate

TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,899
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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