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Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 454
Experience:  Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
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I am having marital problems for a while, it sbecause my

Resolved Question:

hi i am having marital problems for a while, it sbecause my husband was having an emotional affair with some one and then lied about who it was several times, he wants me to believe him now but my gut feeling is telling me different. because of this i cry a lot and feel worthless i feel worthless because i feel he is protecting someone else. he is adamit that he is tellin the truth but im so confused about whether to trust him or trust my gut, this is leaving me feeling really depressed, i would love some advice on what to do.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.

How do you know about this emotional affair? Also, do you know who the woman is and is it still going on?

What is he doing that indicates it's an emotional affair, and how does he know this woman? Thanks for the additional info. so I can best help you.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
this happened in 2007 and lasted a couple of months, it was going on through the phone, i found the text messages he was telling her he loved her. he said first it was an ex then a few months later i found out it wasnt her by doing my own research, he then blamed a work colleague who he met once from a different branch not even near where we lived. so to be honest i dont no who it was there ws many lies told, i new it was emotional because he had told me
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

Okay thanks for the additional information.

So, there are still many gaps here where you are wondering what the truth is, who the woman was, and what was going on. In order for you to heal from this and to fully move on and trust your husband again, he really needs to be completely honest about what happened. He must be forthcoming and tell you the complete truth about who she was, why he was texting her and telling her he loved her, and how it ended and why etc. You still have many questions that you deserve to have answered. Otherwise, how are you supposed to trust him, when he won't come clean about what happened.

Tell him that you need to go to some couples counseling so you can get this resolved and move forward from it. That you feel not only did he betray your trust but continues to do so, by withholding information that would allow you to understand, have your questions answered and move forward. That without this, you will not be able to trust him and the marriage will suffer (as it already is). If he refuses to go to counseling or to talk to you and tell you the truth, then you will need to decide at that point, if you want to stay in the marriage or separate. You do deserve to have a husband who you can trust and who values your feelings and the marriage.

He needs to understand that by not talking about it, it sends the message that he is still hiding something and/or doesn't respect your feelings enough to know that you need the truth in order to heal and allow him to rebuild the trust. You can call your doctor and ask for a referral to a marriage counselor in your area. An essential part of healing from infidelity of any kind, is full disclosure of what happened (if the spouse is wanting to know) and open communication. Please click ACCEPT button for this answer. And feel free to ask any questions of me, even after clicking accept. Thank you.

Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

did you have any more questions for me? If so, please do ask. Otherwise,

please click on ACCEPT button, so i'm credited for my help today.

Best wishes...

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
kristin we have had marriage counselling and i feel that we where going no where with that either, he wasnt always keen, and i became to feel that way myself too. it just seemed to be going round in circles and i still wasnt getting my questions answered. he has never sat down and spoke about how it was and what it was. all info i have has come from me asking him questions since i found the text myself it seems i have been doing everything myself to find out what exactly was going on. im not interested anymore in what he was doing and sayin i just want to be sure that there are no secrets, the fact that i feel he is still keeping something from me just leaves me constantly down. he has begun to feel down himself now to because he said he has told the truth and that there is not more to say.
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

Okay, so if he is saying that he has told the truth and you also feel that you are not interested anymore in what he was doing and saying, then you need to let that go...

It could be that you feel he is keeping something from you (now) due to what happened before and the trust level is not the same. Or, it could be due to something real that is happening. Perhaps he is not hiding anything and is starting to feel down because you don't trust him and there is nothing he feels he can do or say to change that.

If he isn't hiding anything now, then that would be the case. One way to determine if it's just your thoughts popping up to make you feel anxious about what could be happening now is to do a thought log:

1. what is the thought or feeling? Ex. that he is hiding something.

2. what triggered it? Ex. my gut feels that maybe he's not telling the truth.

2. what is the evidence that supports my thought or feeling? Ex. well, there really is no factual evidence, just the way I am feeling. This is the important part because you need some evidence to really know that these thoughts are to be listened to. Otherwise they are just thoughts and could be due to trust issues from the past.

I cannot tell you if your gut feeling is the truth or your husband is telling you the truth. All I can tell you is that without evidence, I would try to not buy into the thoughts as being facts. And move forward in your relationship. By the way, evidence would be something like a text, or an email or phone calls, etc. Try the thought log when those gut feelings come up and see if there is any real evidence to support your feelings. Please click ACCEPT, so I'm credited. thank you.

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