I have been suffering now for the past two years from chronic depression. Actually, I have been subtly depressed most of my life on average. The reason, mainly? Because I was terribly abused by my own mother from the very day I was born. She did
not want to come near me for over 1 year back in 1954. I am almost 57 now! After that, when she finally did, she began abusing me. She would strap me with my father's heavy black belt from work almost everyday for no reason on the backs of my bare thighs until I had big, red welts on them. She would just fly into a terrible rage and turn all red. It was awful to say the least. I finally left home at 17 and have been on my own since. It has not been happy for most of my life. I discovered also, around 9 or 10 that I was "different" from other girls. I loved being with the boys. Later, I found out, that I was literally attracted to females.
All my life, it has been either I have been very good friend's with older females(not myself wanting the friendship either, per se')....many times, they would befriend me. After time, I met a woman, divorced, very attractive(which usually, "I" am attracted to....attractive, straight females) and we had, finally, a relationship. It lasted 7 years only because she decided "it wasn't for her any longer." We are still "friends" only and have been now for 31 years. Deep down, however, I feel SO betrayed in a way by her. I can't help it. The breakup helped to continue to ruin my life. Then....I found it hard to trust. I then fell for a relative of hers....even older than she was! She was 18 years older and this one even older but sweet(so I thought) and attractive.
The end result....she kept making a "play" for me in different ways over the years(we ALL know when someone is interested in us, usually) even though she was married. He used to VERBALLY avuse her terribly and I would always stick up for her...and she really loved that. We kissed many, many times over the years on the mouth. She never turned away...far from it. No "French kissing." Later on, after her husband died, she had told me that she "loved me with all of her soul, and THAT is what goes to Heaven!" She always came across to others(including her daughter, as a "Saintly type of person). Church, Rosaries, etc. She ALWAYS wanted a seat where she could "look at ME" however.
Finally.....I just wrote to her 2 years afterwards and asked her outright if she was "in love" with me? Her reply? She ended up showing her daughter!!!!! After I had marked it "private" and "personal." I was SO very hurt and SO disappointed. Her daughter was livid! I understand she did not know about her mother but....she NEVER even gave ME a chance and never believed my story....even though her niece(whom I had been with before) saw everything, just about, that went on and heard everything, and told her too.
Now, at my age, I am so lonely and I am bitter....yes, bitter! I get angry easily...not throwing anything or screaming or hurting anyone but I just "fly off the handle" fairly easily now. I hate that SO much.
What, please, would you suggest that I do?? I feel SO lost and alone and have NOTHING to do with my only two relatives....my MOTHER and my BROTHER(who is as cruel as she is).Even though it is not good to be "angry" don't you feel(or do you?) that I have been "betrayed" by BOTH of these "friends?" Please tell me the truth. Thankyou.
Also, is it "wrong" to be angry with her daughter who says that she would "welcome me with open arms" if I ever wanted to come over? I cannot help but be angry.
By the way.....the 1st woman has fallen a number of times, injured herself badly and I am taking care of her....it is very difficult. The second one, she is not doing well, is at home now with the duaghter and I do not think she will live past this year(or months). I don't want to feel "guilty" if anything happens to her by not seeing her for over a year now. Very difficult. Thankyou.