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My boyfriend and I have been together 4 yrs. We were doing

alot partying when he accused...
My boyfriend and I have been together 4 yrs. We were doing alot partying when he accused me of sleeping with his friend.(never happened) His friend was always flirting with me I guess I was flattered and should have stop it. They got into a very serious fight. My boyfriend went to jail his friend went to the hospital. My boyfriend and I have been off drugs and alcolhol for a year. Recently my boyfriend says he still believes I did sleep with his friend and doesnt know if he can continue our relationship. I am so hurt and dont know if we can fix this Please help me. My depression is getting bad
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Answered in 33 minutes by:
4/1/2011
Michael Jones, LMFT
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 105
Experience: Over 12 years experience as a therapist, both inpatient and outpatient. APA Board Certified.
Verified
***** *****, LMFT :

Hello, my name is ***** ***** and I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California. I believe I can answer your question. May I first get some more information before formulating my answer?

Customer:

Yes!

***** *****, LMFT :

Have you or your boyfriend been diagnosed with a menal illness?

Customer:

No

***** *****, LMFT :

Great. You say you are sober for a year. Are either or both of you in a recovery program?

Customer:

My boyfriend goes to AA 4 or more times a week. I homebound due to lung problems and am on an online AA recovery program. We both are doing great

***** *****, LMFT :

Wonderful. Have either of you been in counseling or therapy in the past?

Customer:

No

Customer:

still there?

***** *****, LMFT :

Yes. You say that your depression is getting bad. Are you being treated for the depression?

***** *****, LMFT :

Are you still there?

Customer:

I get to where I cant stop crying he just told me this yesterday he says he hasntbeen able to stop thinking about this I thought we were good

***** *****, LMFT :

What were your drugs of choice during your partying days?

Customer:

Cocaine/alcohol

***** *****, LMFT :

Aside from his conviction that you were intimate with his friend, how has your relationship been overall since being sober?

Customer:

This issue came up 4 months ago I thought we had worked it out we both said we wanted to stay together and now hes back on feelings that he still hasnt gotten past trust issues he suggested some time apart

***** *****, LMFT :

Wold he be amenable to couple therapy? Would you?

Customer:

I suggested that yesterday he said if I would just tell the truth we could start from there

***** *****, LMFT :

Is there any evidence that might seem to indicate you were intimate with his friend?

***** *****, LMFT :

Are you still there?

Customer:

His friend would flirt and sometimes it was inapropiate a couple of times his friend would show up and my boyfriend was not He tape recorded conversations that didnt make any since but being drunk and on coke, lack of sleep he was parinoid about everything. His eventoldhim nothing is going on

***** *****, LMFT :

Alright then. Let me formulate my answer and I will have it to you in just a few minutes.

***** *****, LMFT :

There are two possibilities here.
First, this fixed idea he has about your cheating with his friend may serve an important insulating role for him. In other words, like any psychological symptom, this conviction has a payoff for him. There are many possible purposes it serves. One that strikes me is he hangs onto it as leverage. He can use this as a tool for manipulating your choices and behavior. It could also serve as a wedge issue for him, giving him an escape hatch from the relationship if things get too intense.
A second possibility is that he has some residual paranoia from the use of cocaine. I wonder if he is experiencing any other mildly psychotic symptoms of which you may not be aware. Anecdotally, many users of cocaine and other stimulants report symptoms of anxiety and paranoia for a year or two after their last use. In fact, I'm reminded of a similar case in which the man had been using cocaine for a few years with some regularity and was convinced his wife was cheating on him, despite no evidence.
My recommendation is couples counseling first with the possibility of individual therapy for him. The couples therapy could help uncover any relational issues which could be serving as a reason for holding onto this false belief. If he is suffering paranoia, that, too, could emerge in couples counseling, but would need to be treated both medically and therapeutically. He would then best be served by individual treatment.
I suspect that this is more a relational issue than a psychiatric one, but I could not be certain in a forum such as this.

Thank you and I hope I have answered your question. Please remember to click the Accept button and leave your feedback for me. Should you have additional questions in the future, you may always contact me here at Just Answer.


Customer:

Thank you you have answered alot thoughts

***** *****, LMFT :

You are very welcome. Best of luck to both of you!

Michael Jones, LMFT
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 105
Experience: Over 12 years experience as a therapist, both inpatient and outpatient. APA Board Certified.
Verified
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Michael Jones, LMFT
Michael Jones, LMFT
Michael Jones, LMFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 105
105 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Over 12 years experience as a therapist, both inpatient and outpatient. APA Board Certified.

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