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My husband and I have a reoccuring fight each week even

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though we vow each time...
My husband and I have a reoccuring fight each week even though we vow each time will be the last. We have a five and two year old. I work full time night shift. My husband stays home with the kids. Our fight revolves around My sleeping to much and not helping around the home and noto being with the kids enough. My husband is with the kids all the time! I know it is hard but that is what we have to do at this time. NO SEX LIFE! in-law issues and past substance abuse and family trauma in childhood. HELP!
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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3/28/2011
Mental Health Professional: Luann, Psychologist replied 6 years ago
Luann
Luann, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 158
Experience: Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.
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Luann :

Hello

Luann :

What you are describing is a fairly typical conflict with couples. This does not make it less stressful, it is incredibly stressful to keep having the same argument over and over. The repetitiveness of this conflict indicates how stuck you are and unable to move forward on your own. I strongly encourage the two of you to take the time to change your marriage for the better. Find a couples counselor that you like and can work with. Another option is to go on a couples retreat. Retrouvaille is a retreat for married couples who are having problems, there website is - http://www.retrouvaille.org/. Marriage encounter weekends are good too but tend to be for less conflicted couples. The last resource I would recommend is for the two of you to watch the movie "Fireproof". It was released a couple of years ago, is in DVD now. It has a very strong Christian theme and a good message for couples. There is a whole website of resources, books and workbooks at - http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com/. Your marriage is worth the work and investment in time to get things back on track. Take action. Good luck and let me know if you have further questions.

Luann
Luann, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 158
Experience: Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago

Hi Luann you were very helpful with my last question my present problem is that I have so much anger towards my parents and my brother and his wife. I grew up in a verbally and physically abuse enviroment. The abuser was my older brother. I feel like my parents should have protected me and that my life would have been alot easier if my brother did not treat me the way he did. I have had depression and anxiety my whole life and I truly believe it is caused by my dysfunctional family. My brother was even in jail for vehiculer homicide and my parents act as if he is a victim. My brother is now married with 2 kids. I feel like my parents think my brother and his wife are better than me and my husband and that they are such better parents etc. I also recently realized one of the reasons I get mad is that I don't think my brother deserves such a comfortable life. I also feel like my family thinks I am a freak and have severe mental problems but any mental health issues I have had I think is there fault. My husband sees the dysfunction and doesn't believe I lived like I did with my family. There are more weird dynamics between my mother and father and me. Like not encouraging me to grow into a mature women. Very weird stuff my Mom did to me. I am happy with my own family and trying to be a good wife and mother. What I want is to be able to get past all this anger and be able to feel at peace with my family. My family would probaly not even know I feel this way but it is really hard for me to have all this negative energy.

Optional Information:
Gender: Female
Age: 39

Detail Required: HIGH; Urgency: HIGH
Mental Health Professional: Luann, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Hello,

I can hear the distress in your e-mail. It is certainly understandable that you feel angry and hurt. Growing up in a dysfunctional home where there is physical and verbal abuse is very impactful on a person. As a protective reaction to your feelings it sounds like you have developed a wall of resentment as well. Again this is an understandable reaction but in the end it mainly hurts you. I strongly encourage you to seek individual therapy to work through these family of origin issues. You need to heal. Your relationships with your parents and brother may never change, but you can find emotional peace. You deserve it. I also recommend this book - Adult Children of Alcoholics. It is geared towards people who grew up with alcoholic parents but much of the information applies to dysfunctional families in general. I think you will related to many things and find out that you are not the only one with these feelings and reactions.

Good luck to you. You are aleady on the path towards healing, keep going with a therapist. If you have any further questions, let me know.

Luann Hentz

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
I have been thinking what to do I think at this point I will lose contact with them for awhile. I do not plan on making a grand exit just block them out until I feel better. The problem with this is my daughter and neice love to be together. I am the one that has kept there friendship going. My husband has advised me to give it up now because in the end they will probaly lose touch because my neice lives out of state. I also agreed to be Godmother to there son. I think I can handle one day and stay detached. I don't want to go to thearpy I have gone in the past and just don't like it. Do you think it is a good plan to avoid them until I feel better believe me this won't be easy.
Mental Health Professional: Luann, Psychologist replied 5 years ago
Having some distance could be very helpful for you. It sounds like when you have contact your emotions get triggered. By not having contact, or having minimal contact, you will have chance to sort through things without the emotional triggering. Do some journaling and find some books or workbooks on healing from abuse. I can understand if you are not interested in therapy but seek out other ways to help you heal don't just avoid the issues.
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Luann
Luann, Psychologist
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