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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5809
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Well we might have openned a can of worms, that is my life,

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Well we might have openned a can of worms, that is my life, here. I have had hours of counciling and not one of the psychologist or the 1 psychiatrist ever did more than turn it into a talk session. No do not worry I am fairly sane as sanity goes. Just have been trying to figure myself out. I have always made bad decisions. And they are always life changeing decisions. Such as leaving my first wifr in persuit of another married woman that had all the right come ons, just to be let down by the oldest lie in the world. Please do not pass judgment yet. Before I did anything sexual I told my wife and left. We had 4 wonderful kids who by the time I left 2 were married and only one in highschool. I gave My wife the house we had lived in for 27 some odd years. No arguments or trouble in the devorce we did not even have lawyers. And dispite my utter stupidity we have remained good friends. Hell she was left my inheritance by my father.We split the money, and there was alot; 50/50 I figured that she was there with me through all the years of hell I worked or tried to work with my dad.Now he is a whole different set of issue. My whole early life was trying to please him, and to make him proud of me...well it never happened. My leaving her was not even for the sex. It was for the attention and feeling of power I derived from the other relationship. I was envolved in 3 differant affairs in the years of our marriage. Only the last one was any sex involved. Again the acceptence I got, not the sex was the important thing.My first wife was the most devoted wife with a wonderful sex drive with alot of emagination. I just could not believe some one loved me and did not want anything more than to be loved, in return. I did love her, unfortunatly just not as much as I loved myself. It was to this end for all the sessions with differant councelors. My whole life has been in persuit of some kind of contentment or happiness. But I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. Dispite all the perscription drugs, nothing has helped. all I do know is this job has made the last 6 of the 9 years I have worked there the most unhappy I have ever, ever, felt. The only happy time was when I come home at night. You possibly would not believe the things I have done to not have to go, including having surgery. Though it was needed it was not absolutally emparitive, except for a little sanity. The pain of the surgery was nothing compared to the reprieve I got from this job. Everything, the bad economy, the debt I have encured for the first time in my life...feels like my fate is made. Made by me but made just the same. It has been nice just to bend someones ear, to be able to be very honest and not have to endure the look on faces that said...you dumb ass...everything that has happened to you is of your own making . Maybe that look was never there but I emagined they would say it. I ask you not to judge me to harshly, I look back on some of these things with great shame...I will never forgive myself.I always pictured myself as the HERO OF MY OWN MOVIE. But in stead of being the stud, I am the biggest dud.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your problem.

It sounds like you have done a lot of self reflection and do not like what you see. I understand that looking at all you have gone through is difficult, but judging yourself by looking into the past is only going to cause you to feel shame and pain.

People tend to do what they feel is the best thing at the time. Everyone goes through periods where they make mistakes and have regrets about choices. That is ok.

Are you looking to try and repair what happened, or are you looking to move forward and just deal with what you are feeling? You can do either, or both. If you feel going back and trying to repair your relationships would help, you could try talking with your first wife and letting her know how you feel now about what you did. You could also speak with your children. I think that unless there is a lot of hurt and anger on their parts, they would welcome you trying to make amends.

Or, if you want to move on and try to work on a better future, you can start by forgiving yourself. Keep in mind that many people do not even realize that they make mistakes in their lives and therefore continue with the same behavior. You are not doing that. You are taking a look at yourself and trying to improve what you see. This is a good thing. It shows you can grow as a person.

Since you have tried therapy, you may or may not want to try again. Therapy is usually a good step to take. It can help you with gaining more insight into your issues and guide you to the point you feel you can work on this yourself. But if you chose to not go back to therapy, you can work on this yourself. Try educating yourself on feelings of shame and regret. Here are some books that may help you get started:

Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise by Jane Middelton-Moz

Letting Go of Shame: Understanding How Shame Affects Your Life by Ronald Potter-Efron and Patricia Potter-Efron

Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame by Beverly Engel

You can find these on Amazon.com or your local library may have them available.

Also, surround yourself with support. Talk with friends and family about how you feel. Let them give you some insight into how you can move forward. Although sometimes it is hard to hear others tell us what we need to do, it can help in the long run to give you the motivation and insight you need to live without regrets.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

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