I thank you so much for your patience. I wanted to run your observations by a few colleagues before responding so I thank you for giving me time to do so. We are not able to diagnose from JA, while I think you are probably right about the BPD diagnosis my colleagues did not concur with you and I. I think that diagnoses or labels actually do not matter so much as behaviors and certainly you have been through the ringer with this man.
Whatever anyone wishes to call it, you have not been treated as you deserved. I cannot imagine how painful it must be for you to uproot your whole life and commit to this relationship only to find out that he is not stable.
Often people who have experienced trauma as children, especially abandonment, will exhibit either Borderline Personality Disorder or a preponderance of Borderline traits. Sadly when left untreated it causes a myriad of problems for those who have this disorder as well as those close to them. I am sure I am not telling you anything you do not know from your having done research into this. I am sure nothing I can say can give you comfort on all that you have sacrificed to someone who is simply incapable of responding to you and your actions in an appropriate way. In short, there are not adequate words to convey to you how sorry I am that you had this experience. It is one thing entirely to experience heart break and its altogether another matter to lose your home, your job and trust. He has literally pulled the carpet out from underneath you. Talk about upheaval.
As far as sending him information this is my recommendation to you: You do whatever makes you feel better Sherry. I mean this. You do whatever you need to do (within the law of course) to feel better and if sending him this information helps you to heal than you do just that.
I cant predict that he will read it or profit from it, but if it helps you to get past this horror than by all means send it.
Your focus needs to be on whatever helps Sherry heal.
You are still young at 41 and you are clearly thoughtful and quite intelligent. You are in therapy and you are getting support to grieve this relationship. I know few women of your generation that would give up so much for a relationship and frankly I think any man who finds you has found a treasure. Your behavior was selfless and you have demonstrated mental health by seeking out counseling to help you get past this grief response that has manifested itself as a disabling depression.
Your best revenge is to heal from the grief, move forward with your life, meet a wonderful man who matches your qualities and live happily ever after. I hope that once burned you can trust again. Again, I think any sane and stable human would treasure you and your willingness to give all to a relationship.
I am sure you have read one book that is a classic in BPD but I am going to send you that link anyway just in case you have not seen it. I think if you can afford it, buy a used copy and send it to your ex.
In the interim, if there is anything any of us from JA can do to help just let us know. I would very much like it if you dropped me a line when you are feeling better. Please know I will be keeping you and this question in my thoughts for some time to come.
You take very good care of you Sherry.
I will post that book link for you below.