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Ask Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH Your Ow...
Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 251
Experience:  Over 15 years of experience as a substance abuse therapist. I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I dont know where to begin but my concerns goes back to my

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i dont know where to begin but my concerns goes back to my youth days from the time when i was in school and to as much as i can remember, i was always a struggling student , i had tendencies of copying from my friends and i cribbed too right almost through my high school , i studied on the day before i dont know how i made it when i think about now.
After school i joined the police force because at 20 years old it was the easiest job to get and at the time and i thought it was what i wanted only to resign leave 5 years later. For me it wasnt about the money it was about not being heard or been unable to complain when issues needed to be adressed by the higher ranking offices and i had seen to much blood the sight of blood mad sick and around 1995 i didnt go to work for 8 years i took sick leave and after that i resigned, to this day i cannot stand the sight of a dead body especially when i see blood.
I also remember to that during my police days i also didnt go for good few police courses which i was required to do, i just didnt like studying and i made up excuses not to go.
You must be wondering why i am telling you all this ,pleasejust hear me out,
I was born 14.12 69,i am 41 now and when i look back at my life , i can easily sum it up for you in 2 words lying and cheating,
I can be with a woman in my home and i will leave her and go to another and then come back home and feel nothing and act as normal. I can have sex monday to friday but i cannot be with the same woman for to long it gets to me i feel my that my privacy is been invaded and i back off or i push away.
For the last 20 years i have always had at least 4 woman in my life at any given time but now i feel i am tired i want to be with one woman it has been a struggle with so many woman. i dont want that stress any woman
I have 2 girls from ex wife 18 and 17, i got married young and i was very unstable i had just came into the big city there was so much going on outisde that i had no time for family life,i separated form my ex wife in 1997 i think and we only got divorced in 2009 but since that time we had no physical contact, i never liked talking about my marriage and i seldom said that i was a married man it was like a secret those who asked mew i told them i was long time divorced.
The woman which i have 2 boys 14 and 9 only found out i was married in in 2000 and i met her 1995 we broke up in 2007
I have a daughter that is 8 and her mother i broke up with i think in 2004
My son 5, broke up with his mother 2009
From 2004 until 2007 i was living another woman.
and i was dating another at the same time
Is this normal do i have some sort of sickness that i dont know about ,clearly i cannot be stable with one woman i have tried and i think mybe i am the problem i dont even know if i know who i am , i dont understand me and would like an opinion.
Even to this day i still things at the last minute i just cant prepare for something days in advance , i am stable in business with a few normal problems ,i cansay my stress level has been very high in the last 2 years but i am much more calm now. i dont feel like i am not in control i feel fine.
by the way my 2 boys 14 and 9 stay with me their mother got married i took them 2010 january and wasnt an easy adjustment forme and for them but its much okay now.
and i hardly go out im home taking care of them on school holidays they go away and thats when i take a break i remember in january i went to one of my favourite pub and it felt so different like i was lost like i didnt belong there i guess because i had not been there or to such a place in almost 12 months.
what i know is that i told so much of lies and when my lies caught up with me i lied again to try and protect whoever that was involved from getting hurt, i just found it hard to admit to my faults.
Did i love any of these woman ,no i dont think so for me it was more about having the best woman around and it just so happened that i was so good at being a playa that some woman stuck with me without really knowing what i was up too.;
Now i am dating at 22 year old for the last 3 years she knows everything about me because she met me when i was a playa and besides my friends ,she is the only woman that knows me better than i know me. but now i as i said earlier on i am tired ,how do i stop myself from being a cheater, i need to stop,please help
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH replied 6 years ago.
thank you for using I am glad to hear you've decided to make positive changes in your life. I understand that it's hard to change after being one way for so long. The most important part of this whole question is that you want to change. Since you do, the process will be much easier than it would be for someone who has to change but doesn't really want to.

Such a long history of cheating, lying and manipulating people indicates that you will probably need therapy to help you learn the skills to be different. Sometimes when a person feels unhappy in relationships it's because they feel trapped or as you said always looking for the best woman to have beside you. For some, a repeated pattern of cheating may occur to avoid intimacy. Usually, there is a fear of intimacy or an inability to be intimate because it is not a skill that you learned while growing up. I don't know by the information you shared here, all of your history, but I think a therapist could help you figure this out.

To start, you will need to eliminate all triggers that would help you cheat in the past. Phone numbers, emails, contacts on social networking sites, etc. If you are serious about changing you will need to eliminate all People, Places and things that remind you of the old behaviors. Additionally, you need to make the decision that you are with one person now and you are ready and willing to stay committed no matter what. If you decide to move on to someone else you will need to decide that you will end this relationship in a healthy way before moving on to the next one.

Additionally, I think it would be important for you to see a therapist. The reaction you described in relation to seeing dead bodies and blood when you were a cop, makes me think you might have traits of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which would need to be assessed by a therapist. If you do have this, it makes it hard to get close and intimate with people. Lastly, You probably need to be assessed for sex addiction as well, this would explain the ability to have someone at home, go out have sex, come home, and think nothing of it.

I hope these suggestions help. Overall, I think you need to seek the services of a qualified therapist to help you assess all of the above and help you get an action plan in place to become the person you want to become.

Please let me know if you need further clarification of my answer.

All the best,

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Expert:  Kym Tolson, LCSW, CSAC, NBCCH replied 6 years ago.

Please let me know if you have further questions or if you need clarification about this answer.

All the best,


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