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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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I am at my wits end. My boyfriend of almost 10 years and I

Resolved Question:

I am at my wits end. My boyfriend of almost 10 years and I do not have any interaction. He gets home from work, turns on the tv and talks to me with yes no or occasional grunts. I am alone all day and look forward to seeing him, but when we see each other the tv gets turned on for 2 to 3 hours and I get ignored. I am sooo tired of all of it. When I try to talk to him about it he says I am trying to fight. Is there any way to fix it? I love him. We have split up for up to a year before. Last time we separated it was for 3 months. He tells me he is going to change and even does for a couple of weeks. Then it all goes back to the way it was. I feel that he is only here for the house, clean clothes, the clean warm bed, etc... We are not having sex. We have not had sex in 6 weeks. He swears that he does not have anyone else.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 6 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

I'm sure you feel like you are being treated like you are little more than a maid to him, do you not? Do you have any suspicions that he is seeing someone else on the side?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I have never thought of myself as just a maid. I have a great job. He works in a restaurant and makes about half of the money that I make. he thinks he pays for half of the expenses. In reality he gives me money and by the time the month is over he has asked for it back, a little at a time. I have brought this to his attention numerous times and he won't even talk about it. I guess I know what I need to do,, but I just want an experts opinion. I feel sometimes that he does have someone else. He vehemently denies it and tells me that the problems we have I have brought on us by asking him questions.
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 6 years ago.
Classic. Everything is your fault. Problems arise only when you point out misbehavior so you shouldn't raise any issues. You are the cause of all of your relationship problems. You are simply supposed to accept him and everything he does and wants, as is, and love it (?).

I suspect your boyfriend's father treated his mom exactly like this. He won't adjust his behavior unless there is a serious crisis. And then, when the crisis is over, he will almost surely revert back to this pattern, and then another crisis will occur. Of course the crisis might be that you tell him you are moving out because you are tired of his behavior; when you were first together and he was wanting you to 'be' with him alone, he was no doubt, attentive, went out of his way to attract you, was complimentary, etc. You can tell him this, "I'm moving out because the relationship and especially, your behavior toward me over the past couple of years is not what I signed on for when I agreed to having a long-term relationship with you. When we were first together, you [be very specific about anything he did foryour regularly that he is not doing now]; but presently we talk for an average of [X minutes per week]; we have sex [X times per month], and you ask to take me out [X times per month]. I didn't sign on to live with someone who almost simply comes and goes out of our home each day, with little interaction. I didn't sign on to live quiet parallel lives with someone. So I'm going to leave and figure out what I want to do with my life going forward.". Now, your boyfriend will immediately realize that is is highly dependent upon you financially---at least. You could probably find an efficiency apartment or move in with a friend or relative for a period of time and get along quite well economically, without him. Your boyfriend needs to make some rather significant and PERMANENT changes; most guys provide verbal reassurances that they will change, but their behavior doesn't match their words; or some guys will change for a short time but after 2-3 months, they are back to their old habits. I tell you this because this is the issue of 'relapse' you will face if he agrees to try harder. What do you think? What do you want to do? You deserve far better treatment than this from a guy you thought would be a committed partner. But I think any hopes of change will require that you create a serious crisis in the relationship.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. That is exactly the verbage I need to use. He is Mexican and sometimes he says he doesn't understand what I say. I don't believe him as he has been in the USA for 24 years. It is just a cop out for him. By the way, He is the one who will be leaving MY house. I purchased this house quite a few years ago. Thank you once again for your assistance in this matter.
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 6 years ago.
You can and must take control of this situation---for your own welfare and future. You almost certainly hold nearly all of the emotional and economic power in this situation, and this man has no appreciation of that fact. Please let me know if I have overlooked any aspect of your original question. Please click on the green Accept button at the bottom of the screen. Thanks.
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