My 11 year old step daughter is having a difficult time

Hello, I am sorry to hear about your problems with your step-daughter. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist and believe I can help you with this. What you are experiencing is not that uncommon, unfortunately. First I want to share with you a few insights and then I will make some suggestions for you to follow. Since her mother will not help with the problem, she must not like the weekend visitation due to animosity between her and her ex and you. I am sure she is not shielding her daughter from her feelings as you have told me they text at night. Her mother's negative feelings leave your step-daughter feeling guilty over spending time with you, the "enemy." She certainly cannot let herself be at peace or enjoy being with you as she will feel she is choosing sides and betraying her mother. Her not being able to sleep and her stomach problems are merely symptoms of the emotional conflict and guilt she is feeling while at your home. And you are correct; no eleven year old child should need a TV to fall asleep, no matter where they are. I suggest that the next weekend she visits, you and your husband sit down and talk with her about how hard it must be for her going from house to house and acknowledge how hard divorce is on the kids involved. Then ask her how she is feeling about being there. Acknowledge and honor her feelings, even if she says she hates it there and wants to go home or won't open up. Just tell her she has a right to her feelings or to not open up with you just yet. Express you love for her. Then tell her that you know she would like a TV in her room but that you feel there is a lot more going relating to her inability to fall asleep than the lack of a TV. Then tell her you would like her to try something new. When she can't fall asleep tell her to write down what she is feeling; you might even buy her diary with a strong lock so that she can feel safe in writing down whatever is in her heart. She could also draw if she is a creative child. The important thing is that she get her feelings out of her head and onto paper. Getting feelings out is one of the best ways I know to help with sleep. Then tell her that you are not trying to be mean, but that she is to give you her cell phone at bedtime and you will give it back to her in the morning. As long as she can text or talk with her mother, during the night, this problem will never go away. She will hate this and I am sure she does not have much structure at home with her mom, but children need rules and structure as it makes them feel secure. Be loving but firm; use the "iron fist in the velvet glove" approach. Throughout all your interactions with her it is important to keep honoring her feelings and expressing your love for her. If this does not work then I would strongly recommend entering family therapy with her; of course it would be ideal if her mother would go too, but I realize this is not likely to happen, absent a court order. I suggest you see a Marriage and Family Therapist as we are trained to deal with issues like yours. You can find an MFT in your area by going to www.TherapistLocator.net . I hope I have answered your question. If so, please remember to click on the green accept button so that I can be credited for my time. If not, respond and I will get back with you. I wish you, your husband and step-daughter all the best, ***** ***** Eleanor