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Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 454
Experience:  Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
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Ok so I have 3 kids ages 11,9,6 there dad is headed to

Resolved Question:

Ok so I have 3 kids ages 11,9,6 there dad is headed to prison tommrrow last week he broke into my home and stole my kids things I did get it back after his mom paid to get it out of the pawn shop they know he took it my question is this should I allow them to say good bye to him
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.

Obviously you are going through a great deal of turmoil and difficulty with this man.

Why is he going to prison and how long will he be there? Also, have they had an ongoing relationship with their Dad?

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
at least 10 yrs he is going for burglary of a habitat they have a off and on relationship nothing constant
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.
Is he in jail right now then? If they said goodbye to him, where would that take place?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
No he is out he was in jail since oct got out in last week of dec on bond his father past away so his mom bonded him out he went to trail pled gulity they had to do a pre sentencing investagtion so they assisgned him a probation offcier he reports to her tommrrow and his mom believes he will be going back to jail then so it would be at his moms house. I will not be taking them to see him and still I am unsure about even letters
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.
Do you feel that they would be safe in his presence? Is there any concern at all that he is a danger to them? He has made, obviously some very bad decisions in the past, criminal, etc. And do the kids want to see him, to say goodbye?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I feel completely safe yes the 9 year old I know does she has voiced this to me the 6 yr old I think could care less I just am afraid that it just will not be a good bye but also a "I am sry I took your stuff this is why" and make it ok when there is no reason in this world where that is ok to me and I dont know if I want them to be ok with it either not sure if that is even the right thing to think
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

Okay, thank you for the information. The main concern is their physical safety, and as you have no worries about that, then yes I would let them say goodbye to him. Especially, when the 9 year old has voiced that she would like that. If one of them does not want to go, I would not force them to do so. It they are neutral, then they could go.

Tell their Dad's mother that the goodbye needs to be light and positive. No heavy stuff can be put onto these children. Daddy can say he is sorry that he took their stuff, that there is no excuse for it, and Daddy is sorry. That it's Daddy's problem that he has to work through, and that they have done nothing wrong at all! That is all that needs to be said about that.

And then, allow the kids to ask Dad any questions they may have, etc. Dad needs to be strong and positive and make these kids feel reassured that he will be okay, and that they will be okay too. Be sure he doesn't say anything to them, like "you need to take care of your mom now" or anything that puts undue pressure on them. They are children who deserve to be just kids, without major worries.

So, yes if they are safe AND Dad can handle himself rationally then it should be okay. I would keep the visit relatively brief. It's important that their time with him ends on a good and strong, reassuring note for them... So, do talk to Dad or his mother about guidelines for this visit. If you feel that it's going to be awful, with no guidelines in place, and anything could be said, etc. than I would simply have them say goodbye to him over the phone, where you would have much greater control over the situation. Please click ACCEPT button, so I'm credited for this answer. I wish you the best. Thank you,

Kristin and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

Also, if you have any more questions for me, please do feel free to ask me now.

If not, please do click on green ACCEPT button, otherwise I'm not credited for my help today. Thank you.