My eldest daughter shares my home with me & has been a

Hi, Linda. I believe I can be of help with this issue.

Linda, you're clearly not only a very intelligent person but you've also gone through a lot of the mental disorders available to human beings in your family--and you still have a great sense of humor. Acerbic, but very helpful!

You've identified her behavior as sociopathic and you may be right. I'm seeing in what you wrote narcissism. I am not big on arguing diagnoses because I am of the school that it is the dysfunction and how to get the best functionality that counts. And so I want to just introduce the concept of narcissism here for the sake of the tools that are available to you, books that I use with people who live with narcissists and are going to stay in that relationship.

Trying to deal with someone who is very rigid in their opinions and beliefs, is extremely negative, dominating, and very manipulative is a tremendous challenge. And along with this, your daughter is emotionally unstable and may be depressed.

A very important piece of information you wrote is that when you do get through to her and she is willing to help clean, it always remains temporary and the same pattern of behavior reappears all over again. This just adds to the frustration even more, for sure.

The problem here is that you are dealing with a personality disorder. What are personality disorders? They are disorders that are the MOST difficult to treat and the most difficult for the person to change. Why is that? Because of the nature of our personalities. We don't change our personality easily. It is who we are in so many ways. With your family history, you probably know this but I don't know for sure, so I'm writing this for you.

Well, your daughter IS that controlling, negative, impatient with others, overemotional personality. She is a perfectionist at work because that is what she needs to do there; she doesn't need that with you as she has other holds on you. For her to change that is not just to change a surface behavior but it would mean changing part of how she deals with the world and herself. That is why you have found it so frustrating that even when she changes some behavior, it comes right back up. Why? Because the underlying personality trait that she has that this behavior came from has not changed. She may have changed the behavior but not WHY she needs that behavior and acts out that behavior and so when the next situation occurs, she goes right back to that same old behavior.

So what can you do? Well, I am going to give you two step program that has had success in my practice for loved ones of people with personality disorders.

Step 1. You must accept that you cannot change her. This is the heart of the matter: what you see is what you are going to get for a long time (see step 2) if not for the rest of her life. Your job and your goal is to learn how to accept her the way she is and not be affected negatively by her. Yes, this is a tough, big job. But that is what she needs. You cannot be her therapist; you have to accept that this is how she deals with the world and that your job is to be there for her and with her without you getting too hurt by her personality difficulties.

Step 2. You can encourage her to seek professional help. Again, this will have to be only an encouragement. You know better than anyone that even encouraging her will probably not go over well with her, but that is the most you can do in that area. She has to be willing to go to therapy to help herself. No one else will ever be able to get her to stay in therapy and get benefit from it even if they convince her. Just as you've said, she'll change her behavior in the short term, but then she'll do the same thing again as always.

Narcissists are the last people to seek help for themselves. Why? Because they never see the problem as being with THEM. They always see problems as being caused by the OTHER people in their lives. And you are seeing this being developed in her daughter. This is something I have seen in my practice all the way from when I was an intern! Again, you probably know all of the above...

So, I'm going to prescribe a couple of excellent books you can get on how to live with a narcissist. Because you are not going to change her. What I wrote to you above is even more what you must stick with. But these books WILL help you as they have been tried and I've seen them have good effect if you follow the suggestions of the authors:

1. The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship by Eleanor Payson. This is a great book that will help you with the lack of self-esteem that living with a narcissist or being close with a narcissist will do to you. Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1284329075&sr=8-2

2. The Object of My Affection is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists by Rokelle Lerner. This book is newer but is extremely clear and insightful and has helped people since it came out 2 years ago. Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Object-My-Affection-Reflection-Narcissists/dp/075730768X/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1284329075&sr=8-5

So, that is your situation with her. Acceptance is the key. Making sure not to get too wrapped up in her negativity and her rigidness is vital. This is the way you will be able to continue in your relationship with her.

O\I wish you the very best, Linda!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, ***** *****