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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5823
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My boyfriend says he wants to marry me, but I know I am not

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My boyfriend says he wants to marry me, but I know I am not primary in his life. He raised his granddaughter since birth. Now he is putting her through college. She is 19 & her every whim is his command. She lives near her college, 70 miles away from him.
When she's on her period w/cramps, she'll call him up to go pick her up cause she wants him to take care of her. He got the call last nite at 10:30 pm after he was in bed. He never tells her no. They got back to his house @ 1 a.m. He was up at 4 to go to work. He says he raised her to be "a princess." He spoils her rotten! I don't think I can compete with her. Is there hope for us to make it in a marriage?

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your boyfriend has taken the loss of his marriage all those years ago and put his loneliness and grief from it into his relationship with his daughter. She has become the center of his world and everything else is second.

Whatever your boyfriend is like now, before you get married, is going to be what he is like after you are married. Marriage does not change a person. The only thing that changes someone is the person themselves. So if your boyfriend sees no problem having that kind of relationship with his daughter, then he has no reason to change it.

You can suggest to him that you both go to therapy together and see if he is willing. He may be willing to hear someone else tell him that the relationship is not a normal one. However, if he was willing to give up the intensity of the relationship with his daughter, he would have to deal with the grief and loss he never dealt with when he lost his marriage. Whether or not he would be ok with that is up to him. Otherwise, you may want to rethink this relationship if you want to be first in someone's life.

I hope this has helped you,

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
The mother of the granddaughter he is raising, is also very troubled. She is on & off in her present marriage. She calls her dad (my boyfriend) @ least once an hour, screaming & crying about her unhappiness in her marriage. He has panic attacks & only sleeps 4 hours/nite. He always answers her calls & feels he "needs to be there for her." He cannot say no to "his girls". They don't seem to give him any thought. It's all about what THEY need. His granddaughter is primary in his life, then his daughters. Do you think there's room for me?

No I do not think so.


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