I have suffered from low self-esteem and mild depression all my life. My husband has been aware of this since day one. So we both know what we both brought to the table. I am seeing a counselor and am on a mild dose of anti-depressants, since the last three years have been difficult for me, us, and our family.
I agree w/your (4) suggestions you mentioned earlier. My only concern is, my husband will, no doubtly say, you're always unhappy, why do you think you'll be any happier alone and with children who'll be unhappy. Funny thing is, for the most part, I am happy: I LOVE my children, my immediate family, and friends, with an absolute passion. I only know one way... a lonliness from not feeling complete w/my partner. Together we haven't grown at all in this relationship, maybe in some ways I have from being more self-sufficient these past three years. My husband wasn't always willing to help me or my family out a lot of times w/things, so I had to take it upon my self to figure it out--I guess I should thank him for that--but I'd get angry instead since I'd see him help others (his own family included) and not the ones he was suppose to love.
I know some people have a hard time telling their loved ones how they feel, but in 19 yrs. of marriage I literally can count on one hand him actually telling me these three words...I LOVE YOU. Wow, you'd think, him knowing I have self-esteem issues, having touch and words of affirmation love language, wouldn't you think you'd get it? How hard is it to tell someone they look nice and hey, by the way, I LOVE YOU! To hold your hand, to hug you, and say good night, instead of rolling over. Granted, I don't say good night anymore, why, I'm too damn tired!!!!!!!! He does, thank God, love our kids to pieces, and tells them so w/words and actions. Why not me? You know, I have so much love in me, that if he'd "give an inch" (like he asked me 3 yrs. ago), I'd love him up. Because truly, I have a great capacity for love, if someone loved me up, I'd love back. I don't with him anymore, because I NEVER get it back, inturn he thinks I'm angry, tired, and an unhappy mess.
I've always worried about my weight (I'm normal-sized), I've been up and down 20# ***** my adult life, but now add drinking to the equation. Before when I was I ate, well now I'm drinking. I really wasn't a big drinker, but I'll tell you, the past three years, more so than ever. I am somewhat concerned, but it doesn't help when your husband gets you booze for Christmas presents and anniversary gifts. I specifically told him not to. My kids think it's funny...they like it when mom's "more relaxed".
I guess it says a lot about how he feels about me. I'm starting to see our older son doing and saying things like his father...I really is putting a red flag up to me. I don't want him to think that's how "married" people treat each other, w/no love or respect. The little one gets it, but hurts me when he asks me, when's the last time Dad kissed you? Is Dad your sweetheart, Mom? Is my husband dense? Does he truly not care? Don't I deserve some love and respect?
Is it me? I'm I just a drama queen. Do I like being unhappy? I wish I could just have a "do over". I'm afraid maybe he could be right? How do you start over whether I wait 'til 50 yrs. old, (man, that's old), or at 45 yrs. Who'll want me? I've been told that before...guess who?
I deserve to laugh, love, and be happy...does it really take a man to do that?