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My soon to be daughterinlaw, is planning their wedding and

hi - my soon to...
hi - my soon to be daughterinlaw, is planning their wedding and having it a potluck style and asking family friends to bring a dish, that is so imbarrasing. Shoud I just keep my mouth shut or what can I say to not start strife in the new long journey of motherinlaw/daughterlaw journey.
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Answered in 13 minutes by:
2/11/2011
TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

It probably is a good idea to let your daughter in law to be plan her own wedding. Although you may not feel it is appropriate to have a potluck wedding, telling your daughter in law your opinion may start you off on the wrong foot with your relationship. She is going to feel defensive and probably think twice before coming to you with any questions or problems.

You can, however, offer to help her with the wedding. If she says yes, make some suggestions. Be careful how you do this, however. You want to word it so your ideas come out as helpful, non threatening suggestions and not "my way is better" ideas. A good way to do this is to say, "What do you think of this idea, or this idea?" That allows her to say yes or no or pick which one she likes, all without you imposing your ideas on her. Ask her how you can help as well. She may have lots of questions and depending on her relationship with her mother or other female relatives, she may have no one to talk to about her wedding. An experienced mom in law can calm a lot of fears.

Depending on how involved your son is in the wedding preparations, you could also talk with him about your suggestions. But be careful here as well. You do not want him going to his bride and telling her that you are unhappy and think their wedding is embarrassing. Talk to him as you would your daughter in law to be. He may be more receptive, however, since he is your son.

Wanting to develop a good relationship with your daughter in law is wonderful. You are making an effort and that in and of itself is a good start to a good relationship.

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

I just got the bridal shower invite and the same issue of "pot luck" style for shower as well. Now, my last concern is the family is not accustom to this type of invites, what is the best response to family. I have been asked why the potluck style of invites?

Tell your family that this is what the bride prefers. There is no need to make excuses. Everyone has different ideas about weddings and what seems odd to some, is ok to others. It is all about what the couple wants and apparently, this is what your son and his bride want as their wedding. The guests have the option to decline if they feel they do not want to go, but explaining your daughter in law to be's choice is not needed. You can also refer the relatives back to the bride and groom if they insist on an answer.

Kate

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

Thank you Kate you have placed my mind at ease and this will help to let it go and move on and enjoy the wedding and shower :-) God Bless and who knows I may need to look you up again on a different topic.

Is asking for you an option we have, I felt very comfortable with your wisdom.

Thank you! That is very kind of you. Yes, you can request me. All you need to do is when you ask your next question is to address the question to me (For example, "Kate, I need to know", etc). Or you can request me directly, but there is only a short window of time until the request expires and I may not see your question before it goes into the general question area and someone else grabs it.

My best to you and your family. Congratulations on the wedding!

Kate

TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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