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My boyfriend & I have been dating exclusively for over a

Customer Question
year and a half...
My boyfriend & I have been dating exclusively for over a year and a half (happily for the most part). We are both in our 40s, and this is his longest term relationship ever(He still lives with his mom). I was married and have been divorced 17 yrs. No kids at home.
Recently (in late Dec, 5 days after we had had a wonderful 4 days together) he texted that he feels 'pressured', & 'needs space'.
He was very vague about this and was a no show on Christmas.
He opened up 2 weeks ago & stated he has 'neuroses' & 'often needs to get away to brood for a while'. At this time we had the most open conversation of our relationship. He spent 5 days here; is now out of state for work; offered to take(and took)my belongings with him so I could visit without airline baggage fees. He was genuinely happy. We agreed (and I've stated many times) to continue dating exclusively each other and just see where it goes.
Last night, out of the blue, he telephoned and said he "does not want to see me"
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 21 minutes by:
2/7/2011
Mental Health Professional: TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist replied 6 years ago
TherapistMarryAnn
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,896
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like it could be one of two things. Either one, he is telling you the truth and he is dealing with a mental illness that affects him and the relationship, or two he wants to break the relationship off and isn't being truthful as to why.

Since he is out of town, it would be very difficult for you to see a counselor with him to work the relationship issues out. However, if you feel you want to see one yourself, it would give you an opportunity to work out how you feel about what has happened here.

Do you feel you want to continue the relationship? If you do, you can go to see him and talk about how to work this out. Depending on what he says, you may be able to fix the situation. Let him know you are working on your issues and want to try to continue the relationship. It depends a lot on what he choses to do as to whether or not this will work.

He is not giving you much to work with in repairing whatever problem he is having. The answers he gave are vague and so therefore there is not much to focus on. If you can, when you contact him, let him know you want him to be honest. He may not react well to this, but it is worth a try. He has given you little else to go on.

I hope this helped you,
Kate

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
The thing is, I like him the way he is. (Other than the his inability to move forward after an "issue" is resolved.)
It strikes me as odd that after having ernest conversation, and agreeing to move forward, suddenly we have "issues" again. When we haven't even seen each other; no arguing ; just so strange to me.
AND he sent emails of affirmation to me over the past week.
He is worth it to me because he has so many excellent qualities.
Yes, I'm glad to go there, yet pressing to go when he just said: not right now, maybe not at all, seems like it would do more harm than good.
Yet maybe not because one other time he went 'silent' and when I showed up we repaired things. Or so I thought.
Mental Health Professional: TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist replied 6 years ago

It sounds like is either unsure what he wants or he is not being truthful. It is hard to say without seeing him face to face but he is not being open about what is going on.

If letting him be worked last time, you may want to try it again. If he is willing to repair things again this time, I would highly recommend you see a therapist to figure out why he keeps acting like this toward you. You need to know what he is dealing with so you can have a better idea of how to react in the relationship.

Kate

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Seems like he avoids tough / uncomfortable topics
Seems like I take them head on ...... perhaps to my own detriment?.......
No, going there helped, leaving him alone simple puts things on hold. Lestwise in past experience.
Could you help me know how to handle tonight's phone call?
Please?
Don't want to push, yet we need some sort of boundries here.
Really, please be specific as you can.
Please...
Mental Health Professional: TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist replied 6 years ago

I understand. It sounds like from what you said that he likes when you push to have contact.

It is difficult without knowing his feelings about this situation to know what would work when talking with him. Most likely, being neutral is your best bet. Talk with him, let him know you are interested in the relationship and that you'd like to work things out. Depending on what he says, you can respond how you feel would work best. It sounds like there are other motives to what he says and does. If you feel pushing would help, then do that. If not, back off. If you feel going to see him works best, ***** ***** to go. You may be able to work this out better seeing him in person.

Kate

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Thank you for your help.
Any your patience with me.
1. To clarify: what do you mean by other motives?
2. To clarify: I'm to decide, based on his current mood, to go or not? Two weeks ago he invited me to come and took my stuff with him. Yesterday he said he's uncomfortable with seeing me at this time - maybe at all while out of town. (BTW, There is absolutely zero chance he is seeing someone else.)
3. To clarify: Seems to me he is overwhelmed. IF this is true (that he is overwhelmed), Is there a general (or specific) strategy/method one aught best use to generate an honest/accurate response?
Thank you for your patience. This is so important to me.
Mental Health Professional: TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist replied 6 years ago

I am guessing based on the information you are giving me. It is difficult to know what he motivations are with how he is treating you. You are trying to guess the right things to say or do with him without knowing why he is distancing himself from you then getting back together with you. This makes it nearly impossible to understand him.

There is no specific strategies to use with a person to make them do what you want or react how you want. You want him to be with you, but he is not acting like a person who understands what it takes to be in a good solid relationship. That is why counseling is so important. You are not going to be able to understand if he is being honest or not unless you understand his motivation and he won't let you do that.

Kate

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I meant is there a strategy to deal with one whom feels overwhelmed...
Mental Health Professional: TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist replied 6 years ago

I am going to opt out to let other experts have a chance to help you.

Kate

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
OK
Hope to hear from them soon
Mental Health Professional: TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist replied 6 years ago

I am sure you will

Kate

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
It has been over two hours and zero response.
Is this a scam?
Mental Health Professional: TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist replied 6 years ago

If you have not gotten a response, please contact the moderators to assist you.

Kate

TherapistMarryAnn
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Satisfied Customers: 5,896
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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