Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.
I see from what you have written me the sincerity in your desires for this relationship. And I also see that you are investing in this relationship more than the parameters it actually has. What do I mean?
You are her boyfriend and she is your girlfriend. There is a level of commitment in that relationship. But it is a very amorphous level of commitment; it changes and is very undefined. You expected a level of monogamy and commitment and emotional exclusivity on her part that she seems to have not really expected she needed to maintain for a boyfriend. She clearly feels that she is entitled to operate as an independent woman with her own independent social life and that you are a special friend, but still only a special friend among friends.
And the same holds true for some of the other expectations. You have a very "married" quality about your sense of what being someone's girlfriend is and what being her boyfriend is. She seems to have a much more casual understanding of the relationship. And so, along with your disappointment at her lack of sensitivity about breaking off friendships with ex-lovers, this is coming to play in her feeling free to confide in other men.
So, I want you to spend some time thinking about what relationships mean to you and what your VALUES are. And then notice what her values are. And see if they match. Because when you find yourself feeling as though you are not being treated the way you would like, or that you are not getting what you need from the relationship, it most often is a mismatch in the values of the two of you. That one person sees the relationship to be one thing and require certain things and the other person sees it to be a different thing and require different things.
So, this is the issue of trust for you. You don't trust her even though she hasn't done anything to break your trust according to her. And so she says you have to trust her. But you feel like you can.t So there is a mismatch. Why?
You aren't sure she really is acting trustworthily because you can sense she may not share your values. And there is no way to bridge that until you either accept her values or she yours. So I would like you to take her and my answer to a Starbucks or other quiet neutral place and discuss this. What being boyfriend/girlfriend means to each of you. And what you together can agree is the way you want to conduct that relationship.
I wish you the very best!
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