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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question
Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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I have a daughter age 38 with three children ages 7, 10 and

Resolved Question:

I have a daughter age 38 with three children ages 7, 10 and 20 (mentally and physically disabled). I have continued to help support her and now her children too. The fathers of the children provide no support whatsoever. I am 55 years old and did have a nice sum of money in my 401K. It has now been mostly wiped out in order to continue support to daughter, her children and a son who is in graduate school.
The daughter's children (the two youngest ) call her horrible names and she is on the verge of having to go to court because the ten year old won't get up and go to school.
Jennifer (daughter) believes she is not responsible for the way her children act. At the beginning of this school year I purchased new school clothes, shoes, backpacks, everything they needed because I knew she would not "get around to it." Now, the children can't find half their clothes or socks.
I am very weary of all this. What can I do short of completely cutting them out of my life to get some peace? My last thoughts at night before I fall asleep are worries about them and what tomorrow's catastrophe will be. When I wake up during the night the same worries begin and then no sleep until I have to get up for work.
I spoke with Dr. Mark last time. Thank you and I look forward to your reply, I really need help. Paula
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.
Thank you for contacting Just Answer. Since you spoke with Dr. Mark last time I will forward this on to him.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
should I accept your answer or just wait for Dr. Mark
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.
If you feel you can't wait, I'll answer and then you can accept. Let me know what you wish to do.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Dr. Shirley, please go ahead and anwer. Thank you.
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.
I am so very sorry to hear about what you are going through. I can imagine how devastated you must be feeling by all this. I will need some clarification --- for you to elaborate some so that I will understand better how to help you. So here goes with a few questions first before I answer.
You mentioned that the children have different fathers --- how many different fathers. I presume from what you are saying that your daughter was not married to any of them. Is that correct?
You also mentioned that you bought the children all the paraphenalia they need for school --- but now they can't find half the stuff they need for school.
The ten year old doesn't go to school and now your daughter has to go to court.
So... ... ... First, Is your daughter on drugs?
How could a 7 year old and 10 year old not find their things for school. Again, where is the mother? --- she should be taking care of those things.
Also, how does your daughter allow her 10 year old not go to school. Again, where is the mother? What is she doing?
As for the child support --- none of the father's give any child support. Well whether she is married to the fathers or not, if she knows who they are she can get them a court order to have their DNA tested and if they are proven by the court to be the father of any of these children, then the court will force them to pay child support.
I'll pause here and await your responses to my questions, then I'll get to you. I'd like all those answers so that I'll be in a fine position to answer what you should do.
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.

There are two different fathers, she was married to both. Neither earns a living. The father to the oldest, Darren (handicapped) is in poor health from too many drugs. The father of the two younger ones had a heart attack at 40. He did not follow up with doctors care so cannot draw disability. He does nothing but come around and cause confusion.

My daughter says she cannot physically make Luke (10 yr. old) go to school. He has gone the last couple of days. I honestly can't tell you where their clothes go.

The question of drugs. I know that several years ago she was prescribed painkillers from back injury. I do not know if she still takes them. She does physically move Darren from bed to toilet back to bed and he is quite heavy. She has provided his care since birth. I do not want to make her sound like a monster, she isn't. She says she takes care of her children 24/7. He definition of taking care of a child (teeth brushed, clean clothes that they can find) is far different than my definition.

Her apartment looks like a hoarder. I do not know what to do. I want a life. I do have a wonderful son who is in grad school and has never given me problem.

If I have not answered all your questions let me know. Thank you very much.

Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.
I think your daughter needs to go get assistance for the oldest child, Darren. She should contact social services in your city and state and speak to a social worker there to see what kind of assistance they can provide for her. I think you need to sit down with her and very nicely tell her that you can no longer help her financially --- that your funds are running down. Tell her about the social services department . She needs to contact them and get help from them. You cannot continue to do this.
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