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I met my husband 7 years ago and we have always had a rocky

relationship and alot of poblems...
i met my husband 7 years ago and we have always had a rocky relationship and alot of poblems with his daughter coming between us, but always loved each other he had bad relationships in the past wich i always understood. ive always tyed to show him how much i love him and he likes to play mind games and get hurtfull and nasty when dinking then next day carie on like nothings happened. yet im not aloud to be upset. its now nealy feb and he hasnt been near me since may last year... why is this ??? and i know he didnt want more kids when we met and niether did i and now i do but he just tells me to go and find someone else why ??? does he mean it ??? i havent got any of my own
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Answered in 13 minutes by:
2/1/2011
Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2,177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

Unfortunately, your suspicions are probably correct. If you have not been intimate for about 9 months, and you aren't communicating; and he tells you to go find someone else if you want to have kids, this does mean your relationship is in very serious trouble. Please understand too, that his drinking probably releases his psychological controls over his anger and hostility; that is he feels more generally somewhat angry and perhaps, feels 'stuck' in being in a relationship with you. When he drinks, these deeper, true feelings tend to be distressed.

Looking at everything you said together, it seems to me that his message to you is pretty clear and concrete. He is communicating to you through is lack of involvement and emotional distance that he doesn't value the marital relationship with you any longer. He feels that it is best for him to live a fairly separate life from you emotionally and psychologically---he will live in the same house with you but won't really work on becoming more intimate with you, because he simply doesn't want to any longer.

What do you think?
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

i think there is some truth in what you saying but he does turn round and say sometimes i do love you ... you know and i know i dont say it much.!!!. and has made comments that he would have a child if we won the lottery yet i find him looking at baby stuff with his 15 year old daughter who wants a child... and saying isnt this cute to me.... he has always played mind games... hes not distance all the time he will cuddle he just doesnt seem to want to sleep with me.. hope this helps it more clear :)

I hope I don't offend you with this question, but have you ever wondered if he is gay or bisexual?
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
you dont offend me at all ive asked my self the same question i know he has never slept with the same sex and his brother is gay i know he has looked at ladyboys in the past.. ive spoke to him and told him its fine if he is either he says hes not .... we have had a good sex life in the past but he does tend to play mind games and is very childish for his age he is 44...his ex and him they both drank and got in to fights and he plays the victim which he has tryed with me but i tell him to gow up.. he feels guilty for leaving his daughter when she was 1 and she has had alot of contoll over her father .. me and his ex wife get on well and both have been concerneed that he has neve disaplined her and she is aloud to do what eve she likes.. he burys his head in the sand all the time and if something needs soting its me that has to do it he doesnt like any sort of confontation at all
You might have to create an emotional crisis in the mind of your husband if he won't agree to go to couples therapy together. This is what I would recommend at this point. This situation will not likely get better on its own. What you can tell him is that compared to the early years of your life, the present relationship lacks sexual and emotional intimacy and that your communication needs a great deal of improvement, if you are to grow as a couple. Tell him you feel the relationship is stagnant and you either want to improve it at this time, or figure out how to live a happier, more emotionally separate life; you no longer want to spend time waiting and hoping for your relationship to get better on its own.

What do you think about this approach to the problem? What do you think he will say?
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

well i know he wont go for counsiling but i tihnk i understand what you mean...try and talk to him again to see if he will realise how serious this is and explain that it needs sorting or the relationship wont work ??? and put it on his toes maybe and let him see how hurt and rejected i feel??? i know i walked out on him once before and he just wanted me back and did try for a while.. i love him so much and i undestand he has issues and dont want to walk out as i belive once married thats it for life....i just wish i could understand his behaviour... ..id do anything fo him and gave so much up for him but he is selfish...i could try talking again i suppose but i think he does love me just doesnt know how to deal with an adult relationship is that about ight do you think ???

It is going to be very hard for you to understand or figure out his behavior without going to counseling----that is the purpose of it---to discover patterns and gain insight into why we do things, what the motivations and 'functions' of the behavior are (what we get out of acting certain ways). Your husband engages in a great deal of projecting, externalizing blame, and escaping/avoiding conflicts and his role in relationship problems. So you are correct, problem such as these do make it really hard for him to function effectively in an adult relationship.

As I mentioned, when people won't go to counseling or agree to look at their own behavior, the only thing that will get them dislodged from that position is to have to experience a threatening, emotional crisis in their life. So, if you were to have to create such a crisis e.g., actually stay away from home for a time or have a period of separation, and he asks you to come back, you would say 'yes' ONLY on the condition that you go to counseling together.

I hope this information is helpful to you. Please let me know if I have overlooked any aspect of your original question. Please hit the green Accept button at the bottom of the screen. Thanks.
Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2,177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
Verified
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Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
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