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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5334
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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My therapist recently asked me to read the book GET ME OUT

Customer Question

My therapist recently asked me to read the book GET ME OUT OF HERE by Rachel Reiland. It is an account of one person's experience with BPD and recovery. My therapist had read it and thought of me throughout. I read it and related to various parts of Rachel's story.
However, I am not an angry, erractic person. I am cool and collected, generally very pleasant to be around. I do have issues with trust and tend to pull away from people once I feel too vulnerable; on the other hand, I ache to trust people and have someone know AND ACCEPT the internal core of who I am. Unfortunately, I also feel that my core is shameful, and that people who see it would not be able to accept me.
I am anorexic and am currently fighting a mild relapse. I forgot to take my medications one day last week, and in turn decided to stop taking most of them. Suicidal thoughts have returned, as have apathy and ambivalence.
My therapist says she "doesn't know" whether or not I am BPD. I am scared of the diagnosis, and don't think I am based on the DSM. My temptation is to pull away from the therapist because I sense she has seen into me, but also feel that maybe I am acting impulsively. I don't know which way to turn, or even how to turn. I guess that I am just looking for advice from an anonymous professional.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 6 years ago.

Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.

First, let me say I can imagine how confusing this situation must be for you. On the one hand your therapist may have just very forcefully shown you a glimpse she has of seeing into you, as you phrase it. But on the other hand this glimpse frightens you and makes you want to run away from your therapist.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. I would like you to take your question and my answer with you to therapy to use as a springboard for doing further work. I think it will be very useful to you to have her see our exchange. You are of course unique and no one has ever been exactly who you are. Your description of yourself, though, is very consistent with how Rachel Reiland writes of herself. And especially when you share how your therapist's being able to see into you makes you want to run away from her.

Because the fear of intimacy is the fear of being vulnerable. And that she may see into you makes you fear vulnerable. But this is also what intimacy is about. I am talking about human intimacy. Emotional intimacy. The closeness of human beings involves vulnerability. That is why so many women who have a history similar to your history or Rachel's history keep running away from relationships, even as they want them so much.

So, the opportunity for you here with your therapist is very real and important: that you can tolerate being a little vulnerable and TRUSTING this human being, your therapist. That you can tolerate that she sees into you and knows a little about what's inside for you. Staying in the therapy and tolerating this and trusting a little more is a very important step you can now take in therapy. So I urge you to try this step. In the same way that Rachel had to go through so many steps in her therapy, you are also going through your own steps. Let your therapist help you tolerate this new step of trusting her. Let it be exciting as much as it is scary to you.

Okay. I wish you the very best!

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