O.K., I see there is a list of questions to go through...........
You wrote: " When I said, "I feel I have no relationship with my brother & sister & they do not respect my privacy, & it leaves me feeling isolated.", Question; "Am I the stupid one? or is it that I just care too much & they take advantage of the fact that I am the younger sister, & therefore know less? Both of these hypotheses make good sense. First. as I suggested in my prior posts, you will have to do some mental rehearsal of the idea that you do care too much about trying to please or have a relationship with family members that don't respect your privacy or seek to gain personally from the bad things that happen to you or the negative things they tell other family members about you. Second, they may disrespect you because they assume that because you are younger, you know less. But of course, you are an adult, and probably wiser than they are about many things. The assumption that you 'know nothing' is never reasonable justification to show disrespect or ignore your privacy rights. The remedy here is to be very, very protective of all information you share about yourself with family members and begin disengaging from expectations of support from them i.e., don't 'count on' them to do things for you; don't 'expect' that they should treat your fairly. Their behavior has shown they are probably not worthy of the investment of your emotional energy into a relationship with them.
What sort of father is mine, favoring 2 out of 4 children for an entire childhood? I did not ask to be born, or treated second rate, & still feel on the outer, like I have my whole life? Parents often 'play favorites'; sometimes, they don't respect or like certain children because of the child's past actions or they hold a negative impression about a child because of rumors other children spread about them. Parents will tend to favor children who ingratiate themselves to the parent or 'kiss their feet' constantly. Sometimes, to win parents' favor, they have to act in ways that are inconsistent with how they feel e.g., they smile at the parent when they are actually angry with them. So parents often have a basis for their favoring of one child over another; it isn't fair, of course. But again, once a child reaches adulthood and has made a reasonable attempt to maintain a relationship with a parent, and this effort does no good whatsoever, the adult child eventually needs to seriously ask themselves whether trying to please and plausible parent makes any sense; they may want to emotionally disengage from the parent and invest their emotional energy in a new relationship---someone who will care for them and will show respect. So this involves a shifting of one's emotional resources from the 'hopeless'' parent to someone else in their life.
What can I do to get my ex to move away from my brother's property? Probably nothing, unless you own some of your brother's property. If the property is solely your brother's, then he has the final say regarding who can live on it, and who cannot.
Why does my brother (the well one, with the girlfriend I do not like), not call me? I would not risk a guess regarding why he isn't calling you. However, you could ask him very directly, "You know, I would like to have more regular contact with you because I really value my relationship with you. Do you suppose you could make a point of giving me a call once or twice a month? If you would rather not do this, you can honestly let me know and I'll accept the facts of the matter. But I do wonder why you don't ever call me".
Why did hid girlfriend ignore me at the wedding after I said hello? Again, it is not possible to say why his his girlfriend ignored you at the wedding. She may have been preoccupied or may have felt that she doesn't have much in common with you to talk about. She may have felt that once she said 'hello' to you, she had a stronger interest in talking to other people at the wedding whom she thought were more powerful or important or popular; some shallow people like to work hard to talk to, or spend time with popular or powerful people, because it makes them look popular and powerful and more important.
Do you think it was a good idea to send my mum the article from this website titled, "I'm the daughter of a verbally abusive mother?" Probably not. I would very much predict that your mother wouldn't see the connection between your distress and upset about your relationship, and her behavior. Based on what you have told me, she will probably never understand that she is responsible for the emotional distance between you. She externalizes blame for most every conflict and problem in her relationships and can't take personal responsibility for problems. I suspect that sending her such an article will accomplish nothing.
Why don't they care?, (Is it because I distanced myself from them, to protect my self-esteem from their verbal abuse, & they see this as rude?) They didn't apparently show signs of caring even BEFORE you distanced yourself from them. It may be that you will never have this question answered satisfactorily.
Yes I am exhausted trying to win their approval,respect & involvement, is that why they treat me this way? do they think I treat them disrespectfully ***** ***** they just dysfunctional? I doubt they treat you disrespectfully ***** ***** try too hard to win their approval. As I said in an earlier post, some families are able to remain somewhat functional only when one family member serves as the scapegoat or source of 'blame' for everyone's problems and misbehavior in the family.
No I am not well off, & have had to build my social networks away from my family.
I started talking to my brother, then got all stressed & realized my sister was bitching about me behind my back to mum, taking my brother's girlfriends side, not their daughters/sister! I think it is also because my sister & mum do not work, & have nothing else to do but bitch? they have it too easy. What do you think? You could be very much correct. People who talk about others, gossip, try to find fault in others. etc., have WAY too much time on their hands. This is an activity that very busy, engaged, hard working people do. They don't have time for it in their lives.
You are right, if I did NOT TALK to my family, I do not think I would be any worse off, in fact I would be more calm & focused. But for me it always goes back to the kids, the kids would be worse off without that Grandparent interaction, which creates memories for them in their childhood.
Maybe the issue is that I am the youngest & look up to my family, but because my siblings are older, does not necessarily mean they are wiser/smarter. What do you think? Youngest kids in the family are frequently the one's most often scapegoated because they are vulnerable, easy to displace frustration and blame on, etc. They can't defend themselves very well and so, they end up with the scapegoating role in the family. This of course, has nothing to do with the youngest member's wisdom, intelligence etc. They can often be quite bright and exceptional, but the family has a 'need' to seem them as the 'problem' and as less capable.
Lastly, you mentioned, "Don;t argue with them unless something is going on that is unhealthy for the boys". Question, "The whole situation is unhealthy & the boys have been exposed to positive & negative parts of it, & young kids pick up on the vibes. In your professional opinion, what is the best solution for my boys? I would be very selective in the situations I'd expose my children to in this family. If the grandparents want to have a relationship with them and share some of their physical resources e.g., money, gifts, support for education, etc., then this would seem to be worth maintaining contact for. However, it would appear that most family gatherings are unhealthy for you and probably, your kids to participate in. Again, I think you can ask yourself whether there is some material good in having them involved in the family contact or activity. Maybe sometimes yes, and sometimes, no. Also, when the contact is very brief, you will be more inclined to agree that the contact is o.k. But if it is many hours or actual days spent nearby or with your folks, probably not.