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Sarah
Sarah, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 143
Experience:  Chart'd Psych, 12 yrs exp. English prisons, Clinical Hypnotherapist, EMDR Therapist, BPS, HPC reg'd.
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I had an affair with my cousins husband which I ended 3

Resolved Question:

I had an affair with my cousins husband which I ended 3 months ago. They have recently split up but he has not admitted to her about the affair. He has promised me that he will never confess to her about us. My husband had suspicions that I was having an affair because he found the mobile phone that I was using to text this guy but does not know it was him. I admitted to having a text affair with someone but didn't disclose it was him. I am so glad i ended the affair but I now feel so guilty evey time I look at my husband. I love him so much and desperately want my marriage to work. What do I do
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Sarah replied 6 years ago.
Sarah :

Hi there,

Sarah :

I understand from your question that you wish to let go of the guilt so you can move on?

Sarah :

have you heard of EFT? It stands for Emotional Freedom Technique and it is very quick and simple to use.

Sarah :

Hi

Sarah :

If you can press the return button as you type, I can begin to see what you are writing

Customer:

Hi yes I need help. Everything I read tells me i need to confess to my husband and whilst I can see it would let go of my guilt it would devastate my whole family

Sarah :

OK, maybe then that is the wise decision.

Sarah :

and I suggest that you look at something called EFT

Customer:

i cant confess

Sarah :

I understand that everywhere you look, it suggests you should confess -

Sarah :

but what good would that do?

Customer:

none but i live in fearthat eventually it will come out

Sarah :

You have already finished the affair and the guilt you feel is punishment enough

Sarah :

without wrecking your family too.

Sarah :

I guess there is never any guarantee that won't happen

Sarah :

but if you haven't lied to your husband then you are shielding him from the truth so that he doesn't hurt so bad.

Customer:

But I have lied to him. I told him it was a text affair but it was physical

Sarah :

OK, how did he respond to your admission - does he love you and want to keep your marriage going?

Customer:

yes he does and since he found out the marriage has been great. I love him and so want this marriage to work

Sarah :

Then I suggest that you learn from your mistake by looking at why it happened,

Sarah :

what did you gain from the affair that was missing from your marriage?

Sarah :

How can you inject that back into your marriage?

Customer:

i suppose it was the closeness. my husband an i both work hard we have 3 small children and i think we took eachother for granted and didn't make time for eachother

Sarah :

Then you have had a wakeup call and need to make time for this to happen in your marriage.

Sarah :

If you can do that and be so close, the affair will drop back in time to the past, where it belongs.

Customer:

every time i look at him the guilt overwhelms me and i think that is stopping me from moving forward

Sarah :

OK, so this is where you can learna technique called EFT, emotional freedom technique - you can learn it from many websites on the internet, basically you are tapping on the meridian points in your body and letting go of the emotions that you are holding inside.

Sarah :

It may not be something you have ever come across or considered before, but it works!

Sarah :

I will give you a quick lesson if you like -

Customer:

will it get rid of my constant anxiety

Sarah :

using the fingers on your right hand, tap along the side of your left hand between the base of your little

Sarah :

it could do if you practice it ...

Sarah :

finger and your wrist

Sarah :

and say to yourself, or outloud if you like

Sarah :

.... even though I was wrong, I can let the guilt go ....

Sarah :

.... even though I hurt my husbadn very much, I do still love him very much .....

Sarah :

change hands and repeat on the other side

Sarah :

can you feel the energy leaving your body?

Customer:

no sorry

Sarah :

try it when you aren't at the computer - doing the two together can be confusing - it's something you need to concentrate on.

Sarah :

there are websites you can learn this from

Sarah :

if you are interested .....

Sarah :

search for EFT techniques and you will find a few ... 123EFT is quite good.

Sarah :

OK, are you willing to try something else here?

Customer:

maybe

Sarah :

close your eyes, concentrate on your guilt, notice where you feel it and tap very quickly on your knees, left, right, left, right, left, right over and over

Sarah :

take a deep breath and see what happens ...

Sarah :

try and let it go - it should start to lessen

Customer:

its making me cry

Sarah :

that's great, just let it go....

Sarah :

keep tapping and let the energy out

Sarah :

let it go - it is trapped within your body and you are letting it out -

Sarah :

It's ok, you are doing really well,

Sarah :

let it go

Sarah :

you don't need ot hold it anymore

Sarah :

it's all in the past

Sarah :

how are you now?

Customer:

still crying

Sarah :

OK, let it go .....

Sarah :

what are you thinking?

Sarah :

just notice your thoughts and keep tapping if you can

Sarah :

how are you feeling now?

Customer:

better thank you. that was such a strange feeling of uncontrolable crying

Sarah :

You were releasing the emotions from your body - what has happened to the guilt?

Customer:

still thee

Sarah :

is it as strong as it was?

Customer:

i think so

Sarah :

OK - now you have learnt this, you can do it whenever you have a chance, and you can let it go.

Sarah :

You don't need to hold on to it anymore.

Customer:

but how do i move forward when guilt is all i feel

Sarah :

It tells your brain that you want to let go, so you may dream about it, but that's good because that's where we process our anxieties away.

Sarah :

You can visit an EMDR therapist if you wish, who will help you to let go of it all in one go -

Sarah :

however, EFT is something you can learn for yourself very easily and keep doing until it diminishes.

Customer:

whats EMDR

Sarah :

The guilt is there to stop you from doing it again, but if you have learnt from it, then you have no need to hold it anymore.

Sarah :

Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing, a tapping technique that helps you to let go of memories and emotions that are linked ot the memories.

Sarah :

You can find out information and a therapist local to you at www.emdr.com

Customer:

i have learnt from it and i would never ever do it again.

Sarah :

then you can let the guilt go because it has served its purpose

Customer:

is that what i was trying earlier by tapping on my hand

Sarah :

that's EFT

Sarah :

The techniques are very similar - they tap into your energy resources and let them go if they are there to be released

Sarah :

let the emotions go, I should say

Sarah :

have a look on www.123eft.co.uk for information and guidance. There are videos of people doing this - you can learn form them and read how people have moved on by using it.

Sarah :

How does that sound?

Customer:

ok i think

Sarah :

How are you feeling now?

Customer:

a little better thank you. i hate feeling like this. i feel like its taking over me

Sarah :

EFT is an example of complimentary medicine - it taps into the parts of us that sometimes the doctors are unable to help us with, because they are outside the traditional methods of western medicine. It's hard to go to the doctor and tell him that you need to let go of your guilt, but complimentary therapists will help you.

Sarah :

Do you have a complimentary health shop or clinic near to you? They would have a chat with you and find you an appropriate therapist -

Sarah :

or you could search on www.mentaline.co.uk for a therapist and pay for a session through there.

Customer:

ok thank you

Sarah :

I do hope that was helpful - you know now that there are avenues which you can take to help yourself - complimentary therapists will consider your request to be completely normal. There is a belief that you can hold the emotion in the physical body and that it can cause your energy to become less easily flowing (a carniosacral therapist would help with this) so it is worth working on. Don't forget it is a very small part of you and that you have a loving husband and 3 (no doubt adorable!!) children to keep you smiling - take care of yourself,

Sarah :

please press the accept button if you found my answer and my time valuable as this is how we get paid for our work in this site.

Sarah :

With very best wishes, Sarah

Sarah :

sorry that should say craniosacral therapist

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