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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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What do you do when you hate your adult daughters boyfriend

Customer Question

What do you do when you "hate" your adult daughters boyfriend? They have been together for 6 years. They were supposed to get married this past November when he called off the wedding 10 weeks out; He had met someone else and was confused. (we were doing cartwheels in the garage)They broke up for awhile and then she took him back. She wanted everything to go back the way it was. There have lots of promises etc. We are having a difficult time dealing with all of this. We want to have a relationship with our daughter, but we're not sure how to do that. There is so much pain in our hearts. HELP!
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 6 years ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear concerned mother,

You are correct in being very apprehensive about your daughter's once again impending marriage. It is a complicated situation, and one that you cannot change, but you can certainly influence for the better. It will take great compromise and restraint on your part, but in the end will have the most positive outcome for all.

Your daughter and her friend are determined to stay together and try to make a life, with or without your blessings and support. They would prefer to have your blessings and support.

The young man made an error in judgement, but was able to see his mistake and he won your daughter's forgiveness. Obviously, he wanted yours as well and went out of his way to seek it. This is a mark of good character which you should acknowledge to yourselves.

He is probably very aware of your negative feelings towards him, and so his your daughter. If they get a frosty reception, or perceive negative body language even when no harsh words are exchanged, they will stand off from you. He is probably a bit intimidated by you, and understands that he has made a bad situation worse, but now wants to move forward.

I urge you to do your very best to begin to chip away at the "ice" that has formed at the boundaries between you, the parents, and THEM, a couple in their present feelings and future intentions.

If you want to have the best relationship with your daughter, I strongly urge you to do what you can to lighten the uncomfortable feelings between you and them. I believe that if you relent and accept what is going to be the reality of their marriage, then the relationship will change and become so much better. I think that you will then be able to have a closer and more frequent relationship.

Your daughter has many of your values, and is also a product of her generation as well. She has enough of your good sense to have chosen well. If she is mistaken, and the relationship does not work out, then she will already be close to you once more, where you can be there for her.

Either way, I urge you to do your utmost, despite your misgivings, to be supportive. That is the best play to make with the hand you have been dealt, and it may very well be a winning hand, as you are holding some good cards.

Have courage, be strong, be positive, and aim for success. It is your best option.

Most sincerely,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC