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Carol Kryder LMFT
Carol Kryder LMFT, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 808
Experience:  APA Board Certified, Diplomate,Substance Abuse Professional, 20 years family therapy experience
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I have recently been having relationship problems that the

Resolved Question:

i have recently been having relationship problems that the other day led to physical violence and i need advice.

i have waited several minutes for the reply, is it likely to delay a lot? thank you
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Carol Kryder LMFT replied 6 years ago.
Carol Kryder LMFT :

Hello and Welcome to JustAnswer. Your question is not closed until you are satisfied. I am happy to assist you with your question.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

Sorry it has taken so long, we are all part time on this website, and the hours are not regular. As to your question, you should never permit any physical violence and I suggest you take a serious look at whether or not you can be physically safe in this relationship.

Carol Kryder LMFT :

Please let me know if you have further questions about this.

Expert:  Carol Kryder LMFT replied 6 years ago.
Hello again:

Can you tell me a little bit about the relationship and how it came to develop into violence?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. Sorry i have been having trouble logging back onto the site.
I am married and have been for 12 yrs. I am english and live in panama.
I have 3 children, including 5yr old twins. The problem is that i am convinced that my husband is suffering from a severe depression or similar.
He has over past few months becme very short tempered and yells sometimes in front of the kids.
He also stays in the office until very late, meaning we see each other very little during the week.
He basically blames all our problems on me. This is because i had severe preeclampsia and was left with epillepsy after the twins birth.
This led to severe depression which took a while to deal with but over the past 2 yrs or so i have been able to go back to work and lead a normal life. I have my ups and downs though but as i say, prettty much back to normal.
I have a great dr and therapist but last week during an argument late at night, tempers flared (despite me trying to keep my husband calm) and he ended up pushing me. In the heat of the moment i pushed him also. I know that was wrong and my fault.
Anyway, he grabbed me very hard and pushed me against a wall.
I went to see my dr the next day and still had bruises and marks on one arm. I actually still have them.
He told me he would have to report the incident as domestic violence as it was his legal responsibility to do so.
I begged him not to, as all i wanted was for him to speak with my husband and try to get some help for him.
The problem is that my dr has tried to call him but he doesn't go. He had an appointment in december, when i just didn't know how to help him and after he kept saying that
He was unhappy, didn't know if he wanted to be married any more, didn't know if he still loved me etc and basically giving me
A really really hard time. My dr had been listening to the stories and
Has basically told me that i need to contact a lawyer and start moving towards a separation.
The frustration i feel is terrible. My husband is not a violent person. He is normally kind, generous, very well liked and
Respected and i love him very much. The problem is that he is not himself and has shut me out of his life.
I get on very well with his family but recently they have not wanted to talk to me about wjat is going on, whiich makes me feel more alone.
I guess i just wanted to ask for another opinion from someone impartial.
Thank you again
Penny gm
Expert:  Carol Kryder LMFT replied 6 years ago.
Hello Penny:

It is clear that your husband has changed, and he indeed may have something medically or emotionally wrong with him. The problem is that you cannot force him to get help. You also say he is not violent, but he pushed you against the wall, causing bruises. This is serious. He may be severely depressed or he may have something organic wrong with him, but in any case, you need to protect yourself and especially your children. Even if he is not violent toward them, they should not be witnessing this violence.

Ironically, if you see a lawyer, find out what your rights are, and move toward a separation, it may shock him into getting the help he needs. His family is in denial that anything is wrong, so you will get no help from then. If he still refuses, you are back to the beginning: you need to protect yourself and your children. I am sorry to inform you that safety trumps love in this case. It will take a great deal of courage to do this, but please follow your doctor's advice.

Best to you in negotiating this very difficult situation.
Carol Kryder LMFT and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thank you Carol very much. i am so sure this is depression because i swear it is like living with a different person and i have to walk on egg shells a lot of the time. my main concern is also the children. i have been basically afraid of what effect it would have on them if i initiate a separation but as you and many others have said, we cant go on like this. right now he has not spoken to me (only saying hi and that begrudginlgy). i am very afraid that he may have a total breakdown and that his family will think it is all my fault.
i dont want to wait for him to have more symptoms. The reason i am so convinced is that i learnt a lot about depression during the time i was suffering myself. i know the symptoms and signs and most of all, i know my husband and that people just dont have a complete character change out of the blue. another thing i should mention is that he recently re mortgaged the house. we had big financial stress when the twins were born as our insurance only covered part of a huge bill of almost $60,000. for me this is where it all started to go wrong. he has a good income, is a partner in his own law firm but we never got back on an even keel financially. he however just keeps saying that it is my fault because we spent money on several trips to England, that i spend too much and he has also said that he cant leave because i wouldnt be able to manage without him. i have a job also which is very stressful but i am very good at what i do. however it wouldnt be enough to keep maintaining everything as it is now. basically having to pay for 2 houses if we separate. his mother has a house here which she only uses for part of the year as she lives in Costa Rica. this would be the only solution i can think of but i know his pride will stop him doing that. thia ia a very male dominated and for men to show any sign of weakness is just a social no nno. Keeping up appearances is top priority. last night i was at a party with office collegues and it was so hard for me to sit and watch other couples and i thought back to how it used to be between us. the more i am out of the house and around others the better i feel and the more i realise that my husband is ill.
Anyway i will accept your answer and would be good if we could keep this open unti i get things sorted out as i can see you have a lot of experience and the more i hear people telling me all this and giving me the same advice it makes me a little less terrified of what is happening.
Again thank you
Best regards