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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5809
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I don't really like to depend on someone to change, so that

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I don't really like to depend on someone to change, so that would make my option limited to ending the romantic relationship. It seems so hard because we are in love. He is very hopeful that he could accomodate my concerns, its just that I don't believe people change their nature without a powerful catalsyst, and I don't think my request is powerful enough. what should I do? He asks me all the time what can he do to help. What can he do? What can I realistically ask of him? By the way, this is a long distance relationship of about three months.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your questions.

It sounds like from what you said that there is something about your relationship that you are unhappy with and that you think would cause enough of an issue that the relationship is or would be greatly affected. You also believe that your partner cannot accommodate your needs.

From what you said, your partner seems very willing to work on whatever issue is between you. Without knowing what that issue is, it is difficult to address your concerns directly. However, given that your partner is working with you on this, that is a very good sign that the relationship can work. The concerns greatly increase if partners are unwilling to face the issues or work on them together.

I would highly suggest that you both go to couples counseling and work on this together. People can change and they way you can tell this is if the person will work on an issue until it is resolved. Having a counselor there to help guide you both to a good resolution is a great way to work this out.

Also, it sound like there is some issues of trust or possible hurt in your past that may be interfering with your ability to see this as a resolvable issue. This is a guess on my part, and I chose to throw it out there to give you something to think about in case this is the issue as well. Resolving any issues now will give a you a very strong foundation for a good relationship.

I hope this has helped you,


TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

Hi. I received a request from you to answer another question. Did you have further concerns about the original question or did you have a new question?


Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I had further concerns about the orginal question.

What are your concerns?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

he always asks me what can he do to help. What can I realistically ask of him? I learned that people shouldn't enter or stay in a relationship hoping to change the other person. What should I do?

You can ask that he be trustworthy. That he puts you as first in his life. That he trusts you. And that he is with you and only you. Those things are realistic.

People should not enter a relationship intent on changing the other person and molding them to a predetermined ideal. However, people are not locked into certain actions and viewpoints either. Each person in a relationship must be willing to work on the relationship without giving up who they essentially are. For example, if I am an introvert and my partner expects me to be extroverted, I can agree to do some activities with my partner as a compromise to my partner spending some quiet nights with me. This allows me to retain who I am and also share in who my partner is. It's a give and take, but not a total surrender.

I still believe that if your partner is willing to work on the relationship, then you both can work out some kind of compromise, something you both are comfortable with.

I hope this gave you a better answer to your question,