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cathy, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  MS., MS.Ed., 30 years clinical and administrative experience in psychiatry and mental health
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My wife left me a month ago and has yet to give me a good

Customer Question

my wife left me a month ago and has yet to give me a good solid reason on to why she is not happy with us. we have been together for 7 years and have only been married for 5 months. she says she feels disconnected to me and feels that the passion is missing out of our relationship. my heart is ripped out of my chest because it doesn't feel like she wants to try to make it work or to try to work through this. she walked away from her home, her life, and me and cannot give a real explanation. at least not something that can at least try to be fixed. we have been an amazing couple over the years. she has always been happy with me and her life. i cut all contact with her because it breaks my heart to talk to her knowing that she wants to give up. when i told her that she started bawling because she said she missed talking to me. i told her that i would be willing to talk if she would just put a little effort into making things better. what are some options that i can do to help her feel the same way towards me. she is going to a psycologist today but i don't know what she will tell them. i hope she tells them the whole story and how within a few months she started to feel this way. but im also scared that she is just going to tell them that she was unhappy and now that she left things are better. she basically ran away from her life and problems and i don't know why
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  cathy replied 6 years ago.

Hi Trevor and thank for writing JA

I am so sorry that you are in such distress. Your post is very sad indeed and I completely understand why you are so devastated. A few things here and I wish I could offer you more comfort on this because I know you are hurting so very much, but please let me respond to you honestly and professionally. I think in the long run it will help you best than if I made up few platitudes to calm you right now.

First off, it is not uncommon that couples who have been together for a long time break up after there is a significant change in status. In your case you were together for many years only recently becoming married. Once you married the nature of the relationship took on a different meaning to your wife and whatever her expectations she was disappointed by the outcome.or reality. In fact she said: she now feels disconnected and as if the passion has gone from your relationship.

Secondly, (and I already know you will not like this part of my response but I must be honest with you) she did not walk away from you without a solid explanation. In fact she told you: she nows feel disconnected and as if the passion is gone from your relationship. She gave you a solid and real explanation after all, it is just that you are so taken aback and off guard by her feelings and so devastated that you are not able to hear what she is saying or more over it is not something you wish to hear. Had she said something like, I hate the way you leave the bathroom after you shower, so I am leaving you you would have said, okay, well I will leave the bathroom differently from now on. But she didn't say that, she said she has feelings that are "out of your control" and since she let you know this it frustrated you. You wanted to hear something you could control and not something she let you know you could not.


Finally, when you do have the chance to talk to her you tell her: i would be willing to talk if she would just put a little effort into making things better. This implies that her leaving is her fault. This implies that the break down of your relationship is her fault and that you have not any part in the breakdown. I am not sure that was the best approach to someone who left you? At very least it is a very inappropriate approach to someone you wish to win back.

Give some thought into seeing a counselor on your own on this. I think you are inadvertently behaving in ways that drive her away from you. I do not think you mean to do this but in your fear and desperation you are now behaving exactly like the person she does not wish to be with. Find a qualified counselor who is caring and compassionate and share what you have here on JA?

Let me know if you have more questions on this.

Good Luck and Warm Regards,


cathy and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
hi, i am very thankfull that you are telling me the honest truth of what you think of this all. i have tried and tried to convince her that we can fix this. we have had such an amazing life together. we built our own house together and have pretty much done everything together. i incorporate everything in my life to her. everything in my life has a connection to her. the reason i cut off contact is because i have spent sooo much time trying to convince her that we can fix this and she doesn't beleive that we should have to try. i have offered to do anything that might get us back together. i've offered to go on a long vacation with just the two of us to get away for a while and talk. i've tried to convince her to go to a marriage counsellor. she never said that she wouldn't go but she never really seemed interested. she ran away from her entire life. both of our families are devastated and nobody can get a real definate answer from her on why she is doing this. I know you have probably heard this a million times but we are a perfect couple that supports each other and everything we do. she also said that she thinks we are more friends than partners. she says she felt trapped once she became married. the reason that i say "i want a reason" is because we were apart for a month and she never once spoke of that. and she still says she's not happy and does not know why. I never cut off contact really either ii just said that i have done and said everything that i have to say about us. i said i miss her and love her more than anyhting and would do anything to talk to her but i am only willing to talk if she wants to try to fix us. its been a full week since we quit talking and it kills me every second of the day. she still said she loves me alot and that i am the most important person in her life but for some reason i can't get through to her to try to work on this marriage. i know alot of marriages need to be worked on and i beleive that these things can be fixed but i don't know what else to do.
Expert:  cathy replied 6 years ago.

I know Trevor. I know.

You are crushed and you have every reason to feel as you do. You are desperately seeking answers and no doubt going over things again and again and constantly trying to figure out what you did wrong. It is a useless exercise because I think you probably did nothing wrong at all.

I really just do think she felt trapped once you married. I think there are just some people who feel this way and it really does not have anything to do with what you might have said or done or not said or done. She felt trapped. It was her perception of marriage and thats all there is to this. And yes, I am sure she still does love you deeply and is also probably very confused by her own behavior even though she may not be able to verbalize this.

The better able you are to not contact her (no phone, no texts, no emails, no letters, not even an accidental run into at the grocery store) the more likely she will come around and think about what she has walked away from. You have a better chance of reconciling your marriage if you do not contact her. If she contacts you, sound cheerful and upbeat but be too busy to speak with her. Yes, you read me right. Be too busy for her.

In your most upbeat and cheerful voice say.............Hey Baby good to hear from ya... I am in the middle of something here, can I call ya back?............and then DO NOT call her back.

Send her the message that you are not totally dependent upon her for your happiness. Send her the message that every breathe you take and every heartbeat is NOT about her even though you and I know differently. I know that can barely breathe much less eat or sleep without her but don't you let her know that.

Let her try calling you a few times before you call her back and then be upbeat and cheerful but do not do any heavy relationship talk over the phone.

Arrange to meet at a public place like a restaurant and let her know how much you love her and want the marriage to work out but you are not going to die if the marriage does not reconcile. I think if she feels less suffocated and as if you are less dependent on her for your happiness then she will very well consider re opting into your marriage.

Please also find a counselor for yourself. You need someone caring and compassionate who is on your side and can listen to your fears and frustrations and help you through this. As illustrated above, its okay that I know what is happening with you but its not okay that your wife knows right now. It scares her and keeps her away. So find a therapist for you on this.

Good Luck Trevor. Drop me a note down the road and let me know how this goes for you>