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Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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Ive realised lately that I cant actually remember ever being

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I’ve realised lately that I can’t actually remember ever being happy. Most of the time I don’t really feel much at all, I don’t seem to be able to care about anything or get any joy out of anything. Then there are times when I get really bad, fortunately they don’t happen a lot. The most recent time was during the summer holidays, every negative or hurtful thought that it’s possible to think was screaming in my head. I couldn’t cope with it. I wrote out a suicide note and was planning on, well, ending it, when my sister and her kids came round to visit and I just couldn’t. All in all I can remember three other times when I got that close and then chickened out at the last moment. Before this summer it had been a good three years since I had felt that bad. And then the next day, I always just go back to feeling numb again. For the most part the general emptiness that I feel day to day doesn’t make it particularly difficult to live my life. I don’t find things like going for a shower to take an enormous effort like I do when I’m feeling really bad. But because I just don’t seem to care about anything, I’m severely lacking in motivation and I’m starting to fall quite badly behind in my college work. I’ve lost almost all of my friends, and I haven’t been able to make any new ones in college. I’m really tired both emotionally and physically. I just need something to change.

After a disasterous first appointment with my GP where all that happened was that the Doctor confirmed that there was no physical reason for me to be feeling the way I am, which I already knew. I was promised an appointment with a councillor within two weeks. Next thing I know its over a month later and I still had not heard anything. So I went to see a different doctor.

She was really kind and friendly. The problem is that, it had been over a month since my original appointment, and all those really bad feelings that I had were gone, I was feeling numb again. And when I feel like that I find it really hard to well, just think in general, especially when I have to answer questions on the spot. And I have big problem remembering the details of three days ago never mind over a month so I really struggled to explain how I had been feeling, both at the time of my first appointment and now. She didn’t ask me that many questions either, she just went off of what I had said to the other doctor, even though I explained that I hadn’t felt able to explain quite how bad I was feeling. I went back to see her on Tuesday I asked her if it would be possible to get a proper diagnosis. Mainly because I think that Il never be able to accept myself as having a problem, that Il never feel as if I have a right to join things like online depression support groups or something until I actually get a proper diagnoses. I don’t understand how I could know for sure otherwise. People with things like dyslexia or, I don’t know, multiple sclerosis, dont go around saying “yes, I have x y and z” until they have actually been diagnosed. But the doctor said that she didn’t want to diagnose me as I was so young and she didn’t want me to have to deal with having something like depression permanently stuck on my medical file. Which I get, I know there is still a lot of stigma out there. She then went on to say that she didn’t think what I was feeling was severe enough to be depression anyway and that if it was it was only very mild. She said that what I had explained about the few ‘bad patches’ that I had didn’t sound like I had depression as they didn’t last for very long and she said that depression never gets better without medical help (which isn’t what I’ve read on various different mental health websites.) And so if she was going to give me any kind of diagnoses that she would say, I was ‘prone to bad moods’.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t agree with what she said I think it’s definitely something more serious than that and surely I know what’s going on in my head more than she does. I don’t think most people who get bad moods can feel bad enough to want to die. But at the same time, she is the doctor. All I have is what’s going on in my mind whereas she will have experience with many people who have similar problems. I’m considering going to get a second opinion, but I don’t want to risk going to see one of the other GPs in my local surgery as most of them are really impatient and rude and I get really stressed and panicky around people like that. But I don’t know of anywhere else I can go. She asked me to go back and see her in two weeks, so I might just go along and ask her if we can start from the beginning. As if this was the first time we had met so that we could go through the whole questioning process again. I don’t know if I can keep coping with everything for the weeks or months that it might take for me to finally get an appointment with the councillor. Sorry I don’t really know what I’m hoping to get out of sending this, but I don’t have anyone to turn to.
Hello

I am sorry to hear about what you are dealing with. I read carefully your post and I believe that from your description you have depression. I somewhat understand the GP's reluctance to diagnose you as this will go in your file, however, depression is nowadays very common and it could be written in ways such as it was suggested "prone to low mood". However, this wording should not stop them from actually treating you with some medication and referring you to proper counseling. An experienced GP and counselor would know that the numbing you describe is a defense mechanism to numb the emotional pain and also numbs most functions. This is a serious indication of clinical depression and you need to be very careful with this so it does not develop to a need for you self harm to actually feel something like a physical pain (which is th emost common reason why people self harm). Memory problems and loss of concentration is also common and your assessment should really take this into consideration.

I would suggest to you to go to your GP's appointment and discuss this thoroughly. I understand and agree with your feelings about certain of them being kind of abrupt and short but this should not stop you from asking from help. You need to be truthful to them about how close you have felt to actually committing suicide. If you are afraid that you will not remember some of your difficulties write them down like in a diary so you can bring this to them.

The other solution for you which would be very effective is to seek private therapy if you have the means. Engaging into therapy will help you understand the reasons behind your feelings and help you find a way through this depressive state. You could wither look for a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, that would help you explore your thinking gpatterns and look into changing them into more positive ones or a Psychodynamic Therapist that would be able to help you do a more in depth work if needed.

You are still very young and you have plenty of means to get the help you need. Do not give up and be assertive. If your GP is not sure what to do, you suggest them to give you some antidepressants and refer you for proper therapy. Do not give up. Depression is treatable and you deserve it to find the best help for yourself.

I hope this helps

Please feel free to share any feedback on these thoughts

All the best

Mina
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