How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask Lori Gephart Your Own Question
Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Lori Gephart is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My husband has been working a lot and comes home to just sit

Resolved Question:

My husband has been working a lot and comes home to just sit and ignore our children and I. I know he works hard and thats why I feel like I do so much to appease him and make him happy... but he is still mean and insensative. I have tried talking to him, having a good time.... nothing gets any sort of happiness or niceness out of him. Finally, I told him that he should leave if he was going to continue to neglect us and just blow us off. I was hoping to get a reaction.. but nothing. He stayed at a hotel last night, took 360 dollars, and came home today for more clothes. We have had issues with him talking to other women and abadoning us before. I don't think I can beg him to work out our marriage and be a good husband or father again. I am a stay at home mother and I take care of our children and home... I think he knows that he has that hold on me... and it just seems unfair that he can get away with treating me like I dont deserve to be listened to or cared about... He turns everything around on me... and expects me to get over his bad attitude. I feel neglected, lied to, and like we are heading back into turmoil. He is the same jerk he was when he abandoned us six months ago (two states apart). I dont know what to do to get thru to him that he is being stubborn, mean, and selfish.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 6 years ago.

Thank you for contacting JustAnswer.

I am sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing in your marriage. The fact that you have experienced your husband having a pattern of acting in these disrespectful and uncaring ways, as well as having had affairs suggests that there are huge problems in your relationship that have not been addressed and/or problems in his life that he is trying to avoid.

It is also important for you to realize that you do not deserve to be treated in this way. While you cannot control what your husband decides to do, you can work on you. Individual therapy could be helpful for both of you. In addition, couples therapy can often be a way to discover whether the relationship is able to be fixed or not. Either way, it will take time for him to earn your trust back, if both of you decide to try again, as trust is something that can be lost quickly but takes a period of time and trustworthy actions to earn. You may find the book, After the Affair

to be helpful in coping with this.

His moving out of the home in this way suggests that he may not be taking much responsibility for his actions. In order for him to be able to change his behavior as well as avoid cheating in the future, he will need to be willing to face his issues. You cannot make him change. However, you could ask him to attend individual therapy to work on this, in part for him to show you that he is motivated to change. Past behaviors tend to predict future behaviors, unless the individual takes responsibility for their actions and works on changing. If he is to earn your trust back, he will need to show you through his actions that he is remorseful, (not just blaming it on excuses), has learned something from this experience, and is trying to change.

One thing I would add is that it seems that you have been doing quite a bit of emotional work about this relationship. In order for this to be a healthy relationship, we would expect your partner to do a relatively equal amount of emotional work (if you balance it out over time). This may be one way to evaluate if someone is committed to a relationship and to changing in order to make the relationship work. You deserve someone who will put the work into the relationship as well, since it takes two people to make it work. Also, I definitely believe in trusting your gut. It is often a very good indicator of red flags that should not be ignored. Feelings of love tend to be very irrational, while the gut is a good barometer of danger, both physical and emotional. I hope this is helpful and I wish you the best.

Remember that love is a verb. Simply telling someone you love them is not love; it requires acting in a consistently loving way. You may want to ask yourself whether this man is acting in a loving way to you. If not, then remind yourself that you deserve to be loved and treated with respect. Start by treating yourself this way. I hope this answer is helpful. Please let me know if I can clarify further.

Lori Gephart and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Hi. I should mention that he never slept with anyone else.. or claims that to be the case. However, I believe emotional affairs are just as bad if not worse. I have been trying so hard to get through to him that I am not happy and I cant seem to do that.

He hasnt moved out of the house, he has just been gone for one night and I am assuming again tonight since he stopped by the house to get stuff. I am trying to prevent him diving into blowing us off again and ignoring his family. I dont know what to say to him to make him see that we need help.. and that our marriage is on the rocks. He is happier sitting on the couch in denial and acting like nothing is wrong...

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Also, what do I do to keep my sanity while he is gone, ignoring me, and our children? I dont work, I go to school, but do not know anyone in my city... All I want to do is call him constantly and beg him to come home.
Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 6 years ago.
Thank you for the additional information. Emotional affairs are certainly damaging to a relationship. It is important for you to believe that you deserve better treatment than this. Continuing to set limits with him and expecting him to treat you in a respectful way is important. You will have a better chance at this if you approach him from a place of empowerment where you calmly explain the issues and discuss the options, rather than from a place of begging him. Without a support system in your area, you might want to reach out to a psychologist who can help you to cope, as well as considering couples therapy. Focusing on making yourself healthier while he is gone can give you a positive focus: eating healthy, exercising, writing about your feelings, writing letters to him that you do not send but shred instead, can all be helpful.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Thank you. I am trying to be positive right now and focus on my school and children. I think my emotions are flooding back from the last time he did this and if history repeats itself... he is probably expecting me to just crash and burn without him. I will take your advice and let this empower me instead of letting him bring me to a point of begging him to come home. My school offers counseling... I just wish I knew how to make him see that I believe I deserve better and deserve for him to be emotionally available. He is my husband and the father of my children... I would never do the things to him that he has done to me. I suppose that should say a lot. He has be believing I deserve this and I dont. It's very hard to not text or call him. In fact, Ive called him 11 times and he won't answer. I just wish we could start over and I would have just not ever said anything.