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Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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My mother left my father and her children in 1983. She

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My mother left my father and her children in 1983. She wanted more out of life. For 25 years she complains and threatens to kill herself. She is constantly telling everyone that she is alone, she is afraid, life is not fair and that her plight is worse than anyone in the world. She lives in hotels because she will not commit to a place and stretches every dollar to do so. I've offered to buy her a house!!! but this is not enough. She wants to travel and only wants a house as a home base. My stepmother just had open heart surgery and my mother had a breakdown (why is nobody caring about me!) I think she may have histrionic personality disorder. How do I deal with this year after year? How can I accept that it is not her fault she behaves so badly? It is hard to help someone who is so selfish and abusive.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mina replied 6 years ago.

I am sorry to hear about all your difficult experiences and your ongoing challenges. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. However, you are right, it is very difficult to accept that her behaviors are not her fault and that they are part of her illness. This is the truth but accepting it is like accepting that the person you know as your mother no longer exists. In a way you would need to go through a process where you "mourne" the loss of the idea and perception you had for your mother. This is very difficult to do on your own. It is also very difficult to not let it affect you, as you probably feel deprived of all that she should have given you as your mother. So I would imagine that you feel angry and this probably gets in your way of dealing with this. You would also most likely feel disappointed every time you think that she may change and you do all you can but she still does not change. It is very difficult to accept that this will never change. So the question would be how you could help yourself not be affected by her if you still want to have her in your life.

This is a very difficult issue and it would be best for you to engage with a Psychologist, preferably someone who works in a Psycho dynamic model to explore together this very traumatic relationship for you and identify healthy ways for you to communicate with her without you feeling the after effects of her behaviors. You can search for a Psycho dynamic or Psychoanalytic therapist in your area and I am sure that you would find great benefit in this.

I hope this helps

All the best

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