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Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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I really need some help. Today I ended things with my

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Hi, I really need some help. Today I ended things with my boyfriend, and his behavior is really scaring me. We have only been dating 5 months (seriously in the past 2 or 3), but certain things have been red flags to me. He claims to have had done a background check on me, he's told me he used to be a CIA member, and he's part of a mafia and he's a contract killer, (a side job, he's involved in legitimate affairs for his main income) but because of me, he's decided to get out of the business and only has 3 more "problems" to take care of. His stories are too elaborate not to believe, and I am a very generous, kind, sweet individual. I'm also financially inept, and he's very wealthy and has helped me just enough to get by half with my rent this month, paying half for my new laptop on my birthday, by taking me out to eat, fixing things around my apartment, etc. Since I'm thinking about it, the truth is, aside from what he tells me, I really don't know much about him; he owns an business office in the city I live, and I've never had any reason to doubt him. Two-three days a week he is in town, the rest of the time he travels all over the country/world for various businesses and family affairs. Today, when I broke up with him, and after he finally left my apartment, about an hour later, he kept calling and texting me nonstop, and when I picked up at first, he told me how much of a lying whore I was, and that I was clinically crazy to think he would ever hurt me; I wasn't valuable enough to him, and that I amounted to what every other woman in his life up til now was, "just another f**k." He then threatened to visit one of my close friends to "talk" to both of us face to face, assuming I would be staying over there tonight, then denied he texted me that. It also concerns me as to how he found out this person's address considering I haven't even spoken to my friends in quite a while, much less visited. He also showed up at my apartment, after I ignored all of the texts and harrassing phone calls, and would not leave, even though I was paralyzed with fear, and sleep deprived, since this argument began late last night, and I am jet-lagged from a trip back home (where we had screaming matches over the phone from random posts I tweeted, taken out of context, them sent back to him, by people he has watching me). He tried a key he recently got, and luckily the chain lock was on. I had ordered delivery for dinner, and he paid the delivery guy; I was too intimidated to even open the door to get my food and my dinner got cold. It was only until I agreed to call him later after dinner, that I was granted a slight reprieve. He called later, and asked to meet; after much harrassment, he agreed to meet at Starbucks, where he appeared contrite, until I reiterated firmly we were broken up, and it seemed like he wouldn't accept no for an answer and stormed off. I am a very smart woman, and I do love him, and this behavior has only surfaced once before when I was out to dinner with a male friend...but I am terrified about his so-called side job, not sure if he's telling the truth, worried he might come after my friends, and even more concerned that this is all in my head and I'm over-reacting; I'm also afraid to leave my apartment, and I know I have to change the locks. I love him, but he doesn't see anything wrong with what went on today, and if he says something, and I try to counter or explain he's said something, he immediately contradicts me and denies or minimizes what went on. He has keys to my place and saw nothing wrong with invading my space today even though I didn't answer his numerous calls and texts. I know I need to change the locks immediately. I guess I am asking for validation, and what I should do. He's normally a sweet man and claims he's in love with me, and has never been in love before, and wants to be my lover, best friend, boyfriend, confidant, the only man in my life, etc--which is really sweet, but maybe I see the best in everyone. I know taking him back would be a very stupid idea. Since the Starbucks outburst he has not called or texted, but am I over-reacting? I think I am in love. I think I sound crazy. I feel isolated from friends and family and without resources. Please help.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mina replied 6 years ago.
Hello and thank you for contacting us.

I am sorry to hear about your troubles. You sound quite confused but also very fearful of him. And how could you not be? I have to be honest with you and tell you that this man sounds mentally disturbed, It is likely that he is psychotic if he truly believes what he says about his job (contract killer). If he is not psychotic then the best scenario would be that he enjoys telling lies and intimidating women mostly to create impressions of him and a mysterious atmosphere. The we could be talking about a compulsive liar with an exceptionally low self esteem. In all cases, this man does not acknowledge boundaries, is very controlling and manipulative and cannot tolerate rejection.

I can understand that in some way you are saying that you find him appealing. You need to think what this may be. Is it the way he made you feel?special and wanted?Would your reasons for loving him reflect more on you than him?e.g." I love him because he makes me feel special", and not "I love him as he is very kind etc." Even if you have seen some good sides of him, you would need to look at the whole picture.

This man sounds unpredicted. Therefore, you need to take all precautions for your safety. Change your locks, ask a friend to come over and stay with you for a few days or you stay with them. If you can, go on a short trip to family. Alert your family and friends about this situation. Ask a colleague to take you home if possible . If he approaches you again, you need to sound firm and avoid any discussion with him. I would advise you to not open your door to him again. If he becomes violent, you would need to call the police.

Hopefully he will get the message soon and will not bother you again. However, it would be best if you had some plans in action just in case you find yourself in a vulnerable position.

I hope this helps

All the best and I hope you will look after yourself

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