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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question
Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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I live with my girlfriend who had a dysfunctional husband.

Customer Question

I live with my girlfriend who had a dysfunctional husband. She ended up supporting him and divorced him way too late. He ruined her financially. I met her online. She has a very good job as a NICU nurse. I flew to meet her daughter but she said she was shy. When I finally met her when it was too late to back out, I found she suffered from extreme obesity, close to 400 lbs. I had no idea what I was getting into before inviting them into my home. I had just divorced after 20 years and was in fear of living alone. I now live with her and her kids. She intentionally never revealed the problems her kids had or she was in denial. I can't figure which one and I love her so I assume she was in denial. Her son is 22. He seems like the way she has desribed his father who I never met. I can't stand him. I don't see him ever changing. My girlfriend is either stressed and depressed when he shuts her out or she is stressed and depressed that he isn't growing up and making good decisions. Either way she becomes more distant from me. She made him move out when it was clear he wasn't growing up. He quit two colleges, got fired from jobs and was working only a day or so a week in a dead end job. He moved out and made bad decisions. He could have had a great paying job but he turned it down so he could live with his girlfriend who got sucked into his victim role. I feel like she will forever be tied to anchor with her son, which I know she'll never let go of and I'm now tied to it as well, albeit indirectly. Her daughter is a senior in high school and its 50/50 at best whether she'll make it in college and on her own. I feel trapped. I don't know what to do?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. I am so very sorry to hear about your dilemma. I know this sounds cruel but you don't need to put yourself in this dysfunctional mess. You didn't create it. You might want to see someone for a time to go over these things and help you sort things out so that you may move on with your life.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

One good thing is that you are not yet married. I know you were fearful of living alone. I know you love her but the situation you are in now couldn't be much worse than being alone. Besides if you sought out a therapist, not only would they help you sort out this mess but they would be able to help you not fear being alone so that you can then be more patient and less fearful of waiting to be with the right person or at least sort out what is going on.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I see you are offline now. I'll check back later to see if you have reentered this Chat so we can communicate back and forth.

JACUSTOMER-xozyp645- :

I didn't realize I could chat with you online. I'll check back later to see if you are there. Otherwise, let me know when you might be there tomorrow.