How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask Lori Gephart Your Own Question
Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist and Hypnotherapist 20 years of experience helping clients of all ages.
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Lori Gephart is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have been obsessed with a man all year. I met him 2 years

This answer was rated:

I have been obsessed with a man all year. I met him 2 years ago in work and he had an extreme effect on me. I couldn't talk to him. Then he left. This year he cam eback and really liked me. He talked to me all the time, then we hugged, kissed nad had sex. This has been going on for eight months.
But. Every evening and weekend during this time all I do is think of him. I sit and watch his facebok page. He emails me in the evenings sometimes. We don't go out, really we just had sex a few times. I don't eat well, I hardly eat at all, maybe on meal a week. I smoke and drik tea. Sorry this isn't very well organised in terms of explaining.
I think he is in love with a girl he knows and I became obsessed with it. He knows this. I don't know what to do, because I read horoscopes and think of him, and believe that the horoscopes are coming true every day. Actually, they really do, but maybe I am making that happen after reading them. I can't tell anymore.
I am convinced he is in love with this girl, but all the time he says not. I don't know if it's not eating that is making me crazy, but I am obsessed with him.. I believe that if somehow I could be sane and happy with him, he would love me, or at least, I could rediscover some part of myself I feel that I've lost. I've never been able to relax with him, because I always feel so intense when he is there. I don't know anymore if I am delusional or... what..???
Last thursday it seemed as if every thing changed in my mind. As if my head cleard and I felt good about myself for the first time in years. I believed that this day, I had come back to myself. That evening he emailed me. I wanted to see him but was too scared to ask. I sat there knowing if he came round he would see how different I was, and i could finsllly have normal intimate relationship wth another human being who I liked a lot, without being scared or shy. We chatted by mail and I didn' ask him. When it got to 11 pm I re\lised it wasn't goig to happen and something in my mind just snapped. It felt as if I had the chance to change that night, and now I never would. I still believe this. Anyway I snapped. Now I'm in a different world, on a different path where I will never find that part of me again, and will go on being crazy and unable to have relationships. Since that evevning I told him how obsessive I was and he doenst want to know me know, but it feels like it doesnt matter because I would only have been ok with him if I had seen him that nihght. Now I don't know what to do.

Thank you for contacting JustAnswer.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. When a relationship ends, even if it has not been a long term relationship, it can be very overwhelming, producing many of the same feelings as when someone you love dies. Grieving the loss of the relationship, as well as the loss of what you hoped the relationship might become can be a difficult process. Keep in mind that the stages of grief include: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. It is important to keep in mind that time will help with the grief process, as well as allowing yourself to feel your feelings in small amounts without allowing them to overwhelm you and without judging your feelings. You might want to take some time each day to write about how you are feeling. It is important to be sure to eat regularly. If your appetite is low, try to eat small frequent healthy meals throughout the day. A lack of nutrition will interfere with the ability to think clearly, making it more difficult for you to cope and to attend to your daily demands.

Your description of how you are feeling sounds as if this is quite overwhelming for you. This is not something that you should have to suffer alone with. There is help out there. Remember that even if one therapist was not helpful to you, others can be. You may also want to schedule a visit with your primary care physician for a physical to rule out any medical problems that may be contributing to your symptoms.

Ask your doctor for a recommendation for a psychologist who will be able to meet with you to help to identify exactly what is causing you to feel this way. The psychologist can meet with you for talk therapy to help you to be able to improve your mood and cope more easily. If medication is needed then the psychologist can also refer you to a psychiatrist for the medication.

Individual therapy can be very effective to help you to learn to feel your feelings in a safe way and develop tools to improve your mood. Other tools such as exercise, structuring your days with some social interaction, meditation, volunteering, working and avoiding alcohol, which is a depressant, can all be quite helpful. Think back to things that you enjoyed before the relationship and consider revisiting them. Even if you are not enjoying them right away you can "fake it till you make it". This is a time to work on taking good care of yourself and building your self esteem and confidence and to give yourself unconditional love. Remember that each relationship, no matter how long it lasts can be an opportunity to learn and grow. I hope this is helpful. Please let me know if I can help further.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
what worries me is my obsessiveness with this man

what worries me is even though I am obsessed by him, or at least, am obsessed because I have an intense attraction for him and get overwhelmed by it, every time something happens between us I push him away or do something crazy or freak him out. It's like every time I seem to have the cahnce to have a relationship with him of any kind, something in my mind destroys all possibility, it sends me into a self destructive frame of mind
I agree that this obsessiveness is a concern. This is why it would be very important for you to have time away from him to work on dealing with yourself in a healthy way. Focusing in therapy on how to be healthy and happy without him is the first step. You cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone until you become healthy yourself. Please consider individual therapy to get help with this.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Can you give me some advice as to what kind of therapy to look for?

There are so many types. I don't know where to start. I thought cognitive behavioural therapy. I know that any therapy would help to some extent, but just talking about things doesn't seem very useful. It helps, and it gives me perspective for the moment, but then later I get sucked in to believing my delusions again, and acting on them.

At the moment when it happens, I have no support structure in my brain to help me stop and think. After I wish I had. My sister told me to call her before I emailed him, and I agreed. Then I emailed him at 5 in the morning. A part of me knew it was wrong, but I still did it, still believed that maybe my delusion was right. Either because I did believe it, or because it was destructive, I don't even know that.

So I need something that will help me step back and think twice. I don't know if it's possible. Because I can see it a little from a distance, but once I am in that frame of mind I believe it entirely.

It's scary. I am not violent or dangerous :) But I called him on holiday because I genuinly believed that I had to tell him not to meet this girl, because we were supposed to have one more night together... Now of course he is freaked. So am I.

So, given this.. given that this is what happens, can you recommend a form of therapy that would be appropriate for helping me, firstly with the delusions, and also from acting on them. something that will help me control my emotional reactions, or allow me to pause and step back before I start believing I am doing the right thing.

I agree that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy should be very helpful to you. You can find a therapist by checking with your insurance company, or through a search site such as this:

You may also want to try writing letters to this man that you do not send, that you shred, rip up or delete. Do not write them in email as you may be too tempted to press the send button. Allowing yourself to write it all out will help you to be able to vent some of these emotions in a safe way.

I wish you the best with all of this.

Lori Gephart and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thank you