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Karyn Jones
Karyn Jones, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1716
Experience:  Diploma of Counselling and Transactional Analysis Counselling, Lifeline counselling, Pastoral Care.
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My son has a girlfriend who we disapprove and do not want to

Customer Question

My son has a girlfriend who we disapprove and do not want to accept. The reason being that she is totally using him and he has been spending all his school and living money to satisfy her caprices to the point that he is left out with no money for food and for school fees. He is 27, she is probably couple of years older and has 5 years old son. We suspect that he is supporting her son too. My younger son and I went to visit him in our home town, where my older son resides at the moment, and we could not spend even an hour without her presence to see each other as a family. He demands that we have to accept her and has not been caring much about us lately.
We do not know what to do, how to behave and how to get help. Shall we support him knowing that the money go exclusively for the wrong purpose?
Thank you very much for you help.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Karyn Jones replied 6 years ago.
Hello, my name is XXXXX XXXXX you for bringing you very 'real' concerns with regards XXXXX XXXXX son/his partner/financial circumstances.
Before I continue on with my reply I truly want to say how sorry I am to hear of this happening with regards XXXXX XXXXX and can understand completely the great distress/anguish it must be causing you and your whole family.

This is a very difficult situation indeed and can understand the great delicacy of it..Sadly there is no easy road here...on the one hand (I suspect) that if you don't accept your son's girlfriend ( child and all) then you could well lose that loving caring special connection with him as a result..( which sounds to me as though this is beginning to become a reality ) yet on the other hand if you do accept his girlfriend you probably feel as though you are condoning her behaviour by way of the use of your sons finances..and his affections for her...
No easy road to venture down ...but it seems a road that your son is prepared to go down not only financially but also emotionally with this girl...( who is to say where that road will take him ) quiet possibly heartache/anger/resentment/ being used or allowing himself to be used ( if this is indeed the case) or a brighter road... yet its one he has chosen to matter the cost .
I believe that it was your right for you & your other sons to express their/your concerns and non-acceptance of this girl right from the start to your son ( their brother) to at least get it off your chest ...yet said with love/care and concern for him...( it is good to have honored your feelings and what you believe is the truth with regards XXXXX XXXXX with this girl and her 5 year old boy)..
Nevertheless, your son it seems would want to experience this relationship to the maxim..and all I can say is..that should he come tumbling down ..I'm sure he would like to know if you & his brothers will still be there for him...( because like you I have no doubt as to the crushing pain and humiliation he would feel )..should this happen.

I think what he is seeking presently is your 'unconditional love' and approval ..what you could express to him or confirm is that of your unconditional love for him. ( if you chose to do so) ..but unconditional approval at his expense might prove very difficult for you under the circumstances...because you love him and care about him...but that you don't want to lose his love/affections as a result...this he might well need to know. That way he knows and is aware of how you feel ..though, I would leave it there at that and not push it anymore but keep the door open to communication/support
& continue to see him/acknowledge his girlfriend ( that doesn't have to mean you approve/of her or like her simply means you are acknowledging her as a human being.
You son has chosen this path for now..and knowing it will be difficult for you and your sons to go along with that..yet if you did, it would be crucial to the survival of this relationship with your son in the long term...and his brothers.
At 28 he is expanding his wings and I know it will be a difficult and bumpy flight for you the end he will' find his way.

I do hope this has helped somewhat...please reply if you would like to ..otherwise please 'accept' my response as it does help greatly to keep this invaluable service going for you and others in the future...please be assured my prayers/thoughts will' be with you & all in this.
Karyn Jones and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you very much for your prompt response and help.
I will take your advice and express my unconditional love for him.

I realy hope he will find his way soon.

Thank you.

Expert:  Karyn Jones replied 6 years ago.
Hello, thank you for your reply.....I have no doubt that he will...and its a privilege to have been here for you and your family...