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Marian, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 116
Experience:  M.Sc. Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapy, UK National Health Service
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when will the pain of being rejected by my mother ever go

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when will the pain of being rejected by my mother ever go away?

When asked about my childhood I can tell people but when they ask about my mother and my relationship, I get tearful. She never told me that she loved me. She told me when I was 13 that she had thought that I was deformed and asked the doctor to kill me. She was affectionate with my siblings but never me. before I was born there were many children born in the area with deformities. My father had Aspergers and was not affectionate.

Other tell me that at some time when you are healed there is no longer pain.

Hello and welcome,


I am sorry this pain has been with you for so long. I know it is disheartening when you try things and they don't work, however please do keep trying as this pain can be eased.


I recommend you consider one of two forms of therapy. Sometimes logical looking at things doesn't help much as the emotional pain continues and a different type of approach can be more helpful.


Psychodynamic psychotherapy may help. This form of therapy is useful for helping with this type of problem from childhood.


I also recommend schema therapy, in particular an approach called limited reparenting. There have been a number of research trial which have demonstrated the effectiveness of this treatment. Here is a link which describes more about the treatment:


I hope this helps. Please do reply if you have any further questions. I will be away from the computer for around 12 hours but will check in later.




Marian, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 116
Experience: M.Sc. Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapy, UK National Health Service
Marian and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you.
I have not ever heard of these approaches but then I started therapy back in the 70's and early 80's. I have stayed in therapy most of my life for the "paid for friend" and incase I need someone who understands during a crisis. But have not really felt like it ever helped. I have been successful in my career despite my difficulty with authority figures and my fighter approach has made me a leader. I think that my early belief in God was my support and I sought outside the family for affection and praise. I am fortunately, outgoing, attractive and intelligent which has opened many doors for me. I have done fine until my recent military service in Iraq. The flashbacks and memories disturbed me so much that I was no longer able to cope. Some how war brought up the incredible pain of mis trust all over again, not to mention the cruelty that I witnessed in my fellow soldiers. I have tried medication but it doesn't allow me to have the depth of feelings that I believe is necessary to heal. I also do not want to medicate to prevent nightmares because I feel that those are important messages. I am going to take a look at the Schema therapy which seems promising. BTW, I tried in patient for PTSD and felt that it was more damaging then useful. I was a little hesitant to see CBT as your specialty since that was what they use in the program. But I think it was more the milieu setting, the demands for conforming and my past successes that cause it to fail.

I think your insight is great, you have a good awareness of what was missing and where you have replaced it in your life, which is a good start to moving forward.

You may also wish to try EMDR, a trauma therapy, which enables your subconscious mind to explore the beliefs and emotions that are locked within your subconscious mind and which are affecting your life now. I see that you have tried PTSD treatment, so maybe this is what you tried before. The results from it can be so wonderful, and although there are no guarantees, it might be worth you trying a different therapist with the same technique. It certainly shouldn't cause further distress if it is done properly. I wish you well with whatever choice of therapy you take. Best Wishes, Sarah

Thanks for your reply. You have overcome so much to make your life successful, demonstrating that you have the resources needed to tackle this set back too. The symptoms you describe do sound like PTSD. I thought I would post some additional information about this.


As my fellow expert has mentioned, EMDR has been shown to be effective for PTSD, as has CBT. I was interested to read that you did not find CBT helpful. CBT practice has at it's core a number of interventions or techniques which have been demonstrated to be effective. Because of this and to be sure therapists deliver consistently good results, they are sometimes grouped together in quite a rigid treatment program. However CBT therapist are also trained to be guided first and foremost by the specifics of how the problems developed and are maintained in an individual. The more experienced or highly trained the therapist is, the more likely they are to practice in this more flexible, individually tailored way, whilst still using the standard interventions.


As you've mentioned, the environment may not have been right for you but also the program may have been too rigid to pick up the individual presenting factors or to adapt the CBT sufficiently. A careful assessment would have been needed to see how the issues from the recent past have activated the schema from childhood and the treatment adapted accordingly.


In the UK, CBT therapist who use schema therapy tend to be the more highly trained. These are also the therapist more likely to use individually driven formulations as the basis for their work, rather than standardised treatment manuals. Many are also trained in EMDR. If the same is true in the US I think it should be possible to find someone who has had training in CBT, Schema therapy and EMDR. This would increase the range of approaches available to you both in treating the combined effect of your recent history and childhood issues.


All the best,