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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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I was told im frigid im 66 years have lost two children in

Customer Question

i was told im frigid im 66 years have lost two children in there twenties in the last t ten months people think in strong but im ashamed to say i feel nothing am coping i wish for them peace and eternal life but i dont break down and cry why
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 6 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

Who tells you that you are frigid. Are they referring to sexual disinterest or that you are emotionally cold or emotionally aloof?

Could you elaborate about your point that you don't feel you have a heart? Examples perhaps? Did you cry at your children's funerals? Before or after their deaths? Two children in last 10 months???? Were the deaths related in any way?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
years ago apriest told me i was frigid i was refering to sex when talking with him no i did not cry at my childrens funerals my girl 24 died of brain tumour nursed her for 11months loved caring for her it was my way of shoeing her i loved her my son aged 22 died from a motor cycle accident ilived him too he lived with me with his girlfriend we never had a cross word he lived with me when his sister died to keep us company i find it hrd to brlieve theyre gone
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 6 years ago.
Just a couple more questions. I apologize, but what you describe is very interesting and a bit atypical.......

Do you now feel you are somehow paying a price psychologically or emotionally for not being able to experience true grief and the strong emotions of bereavement?

Do you personally feel "shut off" from your emotions and feel the stress build up inside because you can't feel or express? Or are you primarily just concerned that you are odd and people can't relate to you because you don't seem to cry and experience grief as other people do (but, not crying or experiencing grief doesn't really trouble you)?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
a part of me doesnt seem to care what other people think im afraid of melancoly i cried all my life untill i was about fifty years i have had a lot of trouble in my life and just learned to survive i always want to do good but its with my head and not my heart im afraid i might not have a heart just a head
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 6 years ago.
Thanks for adding this information. I believe you could be helped a great deal by contacting a clinical or counseling psychologist and having a few sessions of psychotherapy. It is doubtful that you only have a 'head' and not a 'heart', but that you have a great many psychological defenses developed over time, that is stifling your ability to feel emotion, identify emotion and then appropriately express it. This problem actually has a name, Alexithymia. Typically, people show alexithymia while growing up but in your case, you are evidencing it later in life. Dealing with this problem is not terribly difficult if one has a good therapist. I would suggest a female therapist for you as well, unless you have historically had a much easier time talking openly to men, than women.

I hope this information is helpful to you. Let me know if I have overlooked any aspect of your question.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i still dont understand why i am the way i am . im just going to say youre telling me to see a therapist i thought thats what you are. i do worry that im not normal friends expect me to be devastated but im not its as though im just accepting what life has thrown at me may god help me or am i accepted the way iam i will take on board what youve said but it seems a bit evasive
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 6 years ago.
I am sure you are probably feeling frustrated and perhaps annoyed that I can't give you an answer or insight into WHY you are the way you are. This particular board allows experts to answer a specific question only. What you may wish to pursue is an on line therapy board, in which a therapist can really take the time to get to know you through many written or verbal exchanges. So, this isn't a therapy board. Based on the information you shared and the question you asked, I believe you are capable of experiencing life in a much fuller manner, emotionally. I suspect your emotions have been gradually inhibited and that you quite automatically, without conscious awareness, have developed some powerful psychological mechanisms to prevent you from actually experiencing strong feeling states. I cannot tell you, based on your posts, why this likely occurred. I can tell you what the next step is and that is to begin doing live therapy with someone who understands the type of problem you have, which I would identify as alexithymia. I would like to invite you to simply read this post and not accept the answer, and thereby not pay for the time you've spent here. Perhaps another expert possesses the knowledge and insight into your problems I may lack. If you wish to repost your question, please start with a fresh post, rephrasing your original question.

My very best wishes to you.