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My husband is depolyed to Afghanistan and he has not called…

My husband is depolyed to...

My husband is depolyed to Afghanistan and he has not called or emailed me in weeks. It the last email he said he is not even looking forward to coming home. He comes home in the end of October for 2 weeks and then has to go back to Afghanistan for 3 more months. How do I handle this situation?

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Answered in 8 minutes by:

9/22/2010

Mental Health Professional: Dr. Michael, Psychologist replied 12 years ago

Dr. Michael, Psychologist

Category: Mental Health

Satisfied Customers: 2,177

Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.

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Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

I realize you have an appointment with a trained counselor, but is this person with the military? I assume he/she must be. It is possible that he is going through some really rough things that he cannot talk about, or is so preoccupied with his own safety concerns that he feels he must be terrifically vigilant; or it may be that he is in a situation in which he cannot communicate freely with family. You can at least contact the counselor and ask him/her how you find out the chain of communications you can to through to possibly contact your husband's unit leader just to obtain assurance that your husband is o.k..

I'd like your reaction to what I've written so far. I think you suspect he is ignoring your attempts to contact him? Do you believe something is awry in your relationship that prompts him to not talk to you at present?

Customer reply replied 12 years ago

Dr. Michael,
Thank you so much for responding so quickly. The counselor I am going to talk to is not affiliated with the military, but they have a contract with the Army to offer free help to spouses and soldiers. In the beginning, my husband was very busy, but things have quieted down for him. He has time to call, but says, "I cannot call and talk to you and the kids all the time because it makes me miss you guys more." Dr. Michael, I feel this is not right because I have three children ages 4, 7. and 9. They NEED their dad and my oldest son is starting to become very withdrawn and cries often. My husband does not express his emotions and rarely says he loves me. When I tell him I need to hear this once in awhile while he is gone...it infuriates him! He gets so angry when I ask him to write or call more often because I just need to hear him say, "I love you."
My husband and I have been married for 10 years, and it has been a rocky marriage, but we have made it this far. This is not our first deployment. He was deployed 5 years ago and I had our 3rd child while he was gone. He came home when she was 7 months and the 2nd day he was home, he asked for a divorce. When we fight, that is what he always throws at me. I have learned this is a tactic he uses to hurt me, so I no longer try to let it affect me. But it does. I am hurt that he does not write or call. I feel he is very selfish in not communicating with myself and our children. I have never wanted a divorce, but it is on my mind now because seeing my oldest son is breaking my heart, and I feel some of my son's anxiety could be relieved if my husband would call.
Thank you,
Angela

Mental Health Professional: Dr. Michael, Psychologist replied 12 years ago

Angela:

I don't think most of us realize what military families have to go through when one of the spouses gets deployed. What a terrifically helpless feeling it is to know your relationship with your husband may be slipping away, or certainly being harmed, and not being able to do anything about it because they are half-way around the world, difficult to access, and literally don't want to talk to you, even when they can.

Your husband says he doesn't call because it makes him miss you and the kids even more. However, i suspect you know this is probably untrue. I agree with you that he is acting in his own self-interest in not communicating. A husband and father who truly felt that they missed their family more after a conversation would NOT become angry or act imposed upon when asked to call more often. They would simply put up with the discomfort of being reminded of family at home. So you are correct----his behavior would appear to be very, very selfish and inconsiderate.

What will be your response or reaction if in fact, your husband is essentially communicating to you the fact that he prefers being single, and would actually prefer being deployed with his friends than to be working on a relationship with you and his children? You realize that this could, in fact, be what his true sentiments are. So, I'm interested in hearing your response to this possible reality.

When is this deployment due to end, or do you know?

Customer reply replied 12 years ago

Dr. Michael,
If my husband does come home and says he is still unhappy and no longer wants to remain married, I will accept his request and we will go our separate ways. This is not what I want, but I have learned after 10 years, that if someone does not want to be married to me, I no longer want to be in this relationship. I have always been opposed to divorce, my parents divorced when I was young, and I did not want to carry on the cycle. However, I can no longer remain with my husband if he is unwilling to work together on our marriage.
I do not feel he wants the single life of hanging out with friends. He is goal oriented and would focus on his career to better himself. We just have two completely different love languages and I feel that my tank is on empty and he is too stubborn to fill it up. He says, "I am still here aren't I? That should show you I love you." That to me is not a way to say I love you, it is saying I am putting up with you.
Should I just give him his space and not contact him? Or should I still email him everyday just letting him know what is going on in the children's lives? I am not sure what to do. If I don't email, he will say I don't care, if I do, he will say...I am just not the kind of guy who likes to write or call.
Angela

Mental Health Professional: Dr. Michael, Psychologist replied 12 years ago

Well, I must say you express a very thoughtful, heartfelt and rational view of the possible reality of your marital relationship, uncertain and sad as it is right now. For example, as you suggest, you can personally be opposed to divorce and be willing to work on a relationship but what if your husband does not?

I have known lots of men like your husband who do seem to be on another planet relative to their wives in terms of believing what is necessary and important in terms of communicating, "I love you". Countless guys tell me, "well, I go to work and bring home a steady paycheck and don't run around; doesn't this say 'I love you' enough"? And, of course, for nearly all women, the answer seems to be, "no, it doesn't and this isn't the sort of marriage I thought I signed on for".

I think you are wise to want to at least share information with your husband about your kids. So, I wouldn't email him everyday---around once a week, if you feel o.k. doing that. This length of time between emails MIGHT make him miss you and the family more, and, you really have nothing to lose by trying it as an experiment and seeing if it makes a difference at all.

What to do given that you are alone right now with your husband gone, with your relationship quite 'up in the air" and your kids who need their mom? I think I would plan on making some clear, specific proposals to your husband once he returns regarding your relationship e.g., can we please go to marital therapy to improve our communication and learn how to meet one another's needs better? Also, you may want to think about your education and earning power, in the event he files for a divorce in a couple of years. Are you, or will be you able to support yourself and the kids, with a decent job and his financial support? In addition, can you develop any of your talents and begin doing more things for yourself, to help compensate for being in a marital relationship that is "lost and drifting in the sea" right now?

And, the other point that I usually raise with individuals in your position is to not struggle with the daily stress of this living situation all alone. Please make sure you have social contacts with other people you love and admire and who can provide you with social support. Your writing communicates to me that you are unusually bright, practical and wiser-than-most so I think you realize that isolation is a really bad thing for someone in your situation.

I hope I have addressed your question. Let me know if I have overlooked any important aspect of your question. I realize I have assumed quite a bit in producing this answer.

Dr. Michael, Psychologist

Category: Mental Health

Satisfied Customers: 2,177

Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.

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Customer reply replied 12 years ago

Dr. Michael,
Thank you so much for your help. I was looking at your profile and I see that you went to BYU, so I am assuming you are LDS. I am as well, however, my husband is not. So this does bring in some additional problems. When this all started, for whatever reason I pulled away from church. Not going inactive, just lacking the things I needed to do everyday. Within the last week, I have been taking tiny steps to get back on page with ALL I need to do.
I guess my point is that being LDS, you understand the importance of marriage and family to a degree that is different than most Psychologist. When all of our issues started during his first deployment in 2005, I started going to school to prepare myself if I ever do happen to be a single mother. This has given me great strength because I know I am not destitute and I will have a better chance providing for my children.
I do love my husband and this is what makes things hard. It is hard to even think about breaking up our family, but the way we are going just does not feel right. I do hope by some miracle, he will accept the offer to do marriage counceling, and we can work together and get to the root of the problems.
Thank you so much. You advice was insightful and help me.
Angela

Mental Health Professional: Dr. Michael, Psychologist replied 12 years ago

Angela

Thanks for you kind words; I never thought people looked at the profiles; but I guess that is what they are there for.

Your husband has no idea what he has in you, as his wife. Hope he wakes up soon.

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