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Tamara, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1073
Experience:  20+ yrs Private Practice; Cert. Master Therapist; National Board Certified; APA Board Certified
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What action should I take, ...while checking my son's phone,

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What action should I take, ...while checking my son's phone, (yes periodically do this as he has given me reasons to, secondary to inappropriate texts, or fb entries over past couple of years, he is 14.5 yrs) this morning, I found video which ironically implicated his own guilt in a voyerouism event in which he placed his Iphone in his older sister's closet while she took a shower to try to catch her nude, or changing clothes upon her return from the shower. He had a few failed attempts, prior to obtaining one which showed some partial views of her nude body as she was changing into clothes. Obviously mortified, 1000 ideas on how to handle this went thru my mind. Probably didn't do the most mentally healthy myself. As he was waking up, getting out of bed, putting shorts on, I held up his phone as if I was filming him. Of course he looked and responded like I was crazy. I said, "you have 2 minutes to tell me what you have been doing with this phone." He confessed something I had not found any evidence of, and that was looking at "nasty" stuff while masturbating. OK, sooooo, he stomped me with his unusual quick honesty. We spoke briefly about that and then I said, "well, that is not the particular event I am speaking of." He crawfished, (from the south sorry), until I said again I wanted to video him naked...and gave him 30 seconds to answer honestly. Which he did. But attempted to defend by saying, "that was a long time ago." that made it better. ...which we (me and step-dad) had to go over for 10 minutes before returning to the real issue. I don't know where to draw the line with normal curiosity and over the edge serious, deviant, ......this is his 24 yr old sister, !!!!! Other contributing factors, he admitted to renting a movie (of playboy type) while we were not home, (parental controls on tv, but had been taken off by older sibling to watch a movie). Recently, while at a very rare visit with bio dad who lives with his girlfriend, my son went thru their drawers while looking for something, discovering some jewelery, he placed in his bag which he said "i was not going to take it.", he was also accused of playing with one of her sexual toys, .....yes I unloaded on the girlfriend to please put her toys away when my child is her answer of "it's my house, I'll put them where I got the picture.....this has all occurred in the past the month. Bio-dad left at age 6, i remarried 2 years later, friend from past, who coaches my son past 5 to 6 years and makes himself available "if you need me, I am here type of thing"...fixes lunches, offers hw help if needed, never tried to take the place of his bio-dad. Heads have clashed with different parenting and things that go with blending families. Just remembered 2 years ago found text to girl innappropriately telling her he looks at porn. Long discussion followed on all aspects, respect to himself, the girl he told that to, his character, his reputation, our reputation, normal curiosity, but abnormal way to view to a woman, catholic views, other parents seeing his texts, just like i see his texts, etc. A few visits we think to sites on computer or pop ups from sites he visited in between these two occurrences are all what I know, besides the movie rental. I bring to school, I pick up, I am home, I try to monitor plenty. Socially, he says he's ok, I worry about lack of invite and what appears to me as confidence lacking. Invloved in baseball half the year. Likes his school. Likes homework less. ADDHD, dx 2.5 years ago, vyvanse 50mg. Other minor/major problems, simply doesn't listen, doesn't learn from past that even normal, my husband and I remember as kids, we did what we had to do to not get in trouble. He seems desensitized. Not much to punish him from besides, phone, xbox, tv, which happens frequently, and i allow it to be earned back. Grades are a,b,c....2.7 gpa his average. Try to summarazie some tests when eval'd in 5/08. Avg. Weschsler intell. Processing speed, low average, perceptual reasoning high average, verbal compr. and working memory avg., visual processing tasks slow, score fell low average, despite strength in visual perception. Not really sure if any of that applies to present I need to make an appt with PhD clinical psychologist who evaluated him for ADDHD.
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Tamara :

Hi. Welcome to JustAnswer. I'm pleased to try to help you today. Wow. That's a lot of information. My understanding is that you are trying to determine whether you should be concerned about your son's behavior. Given everything you have said, that's a tough question to just answer yes or no to. Basically, your son's sexual curiosity is perfectly normal for his age. However, his invasions of other people's privacy (esp. his sister's) is not OK, and that's the part that really needs to be addressed. Masturbating while viewing video's is normal for his age, as are some of the other attempts to view naked women. But trying to video his sister indicates a concerning lack of personal boundaries and respect, as does going through private things at his bio-dad's house. So given everything that you have described, I think it would be wise to take him back to the psychologist for an evaluation of this behavior, and some possible therapy if the psychologist feels it necessary. You did the right thing by confronting your son about his behavior, and you are brave to be facing this head-on and researching what you should do next. But given that his behavior could (not does, but could) indicate some potential long-term issues of concern, it really would be best to have him evaluated by the psychologist. Best wishes, and please let me know if I can answer any further questions. Tamara


you told me what i thought you would say........thanks

Tamara :

You're welcome. Good luck with everything, and please let me know if I can be of further help. Tamara

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